Listening

Last Wedneday, I could not sleep. I was thinking about stuff. A lot of thoughts were running through my head; most of them sad ones. I tried really hard to but I couldn't. By 4am, my mom suddenly opened my door. I dunno why she did.

"Hindi ka pa natutulog?"

"Bakit naman ako hindi matutulog. Nagising lang ako.", I tried to deny.

A few minutes later, I fell asleep. I woke up 7am and my mom was asking me something. I didn't respond properly because, as usual, I was moody in the morning.

By 3pm, I got a message from my dad that my mom is so worried about me. She thinks I am having problems.

I wanted to leave class because I was getting depressed over the fact that my mom is worried about me. No, I stayed because I had a quiz.

Anyhoo, no, I don't have a concrete problem. Things around me are relatively normal. BUT, somehow, that night, I felt so out of place. I felt as though I didn't have a niche in the world. Never mind.

I want to tell somebody/ anybody about how I feel but I feel as though no one's here to listen. I tried but the listener ended up as the talker.

I need someone who will listen, without any prejudice.

I need someone who will listen. And a hug would not hurt.

There's so much I wanna share. I feel so bottled up.

Plans

Last night, my dad had a 9.15pm meeting in Makati so we decided to go with my dad to Makati to visit our niece. My dad decided to pass by Manila for some reason. Traffic in Manila was hell. There was an accident involving a bus and 4 cars. We were still in Manila by 9pm. My dad was bound to be late.

"Manila is crazy. Don't you want to live in the province?", asked my sister.

My dad has been advocating this the past 2-3 years already. He wants to buy a farm and produce everything necessary to live. He wants a peaceful, simple, stress-free life. On the other hand, my mom doesn't want the provincial life (and yet she is so sick of the city-life.)

Last night, I felt as though they were in agreement that they will move to the province once I graduate. Supposedly, they're just waiting for me to finish college. I am only one left studying college in my family. My sister is taking up law but is already self-sustaining. My other siblings are all working already.

My dad has been searching for a condo unit in Makati for me and my other sister. I don't get why we need a unit but, I guess, my dad's assuming that I'll work in Makati.

Here's the thing though: I am kinda dead-set already that I'll leave the country after college. Yes, I am still really unsure where and how but I know I'll find a way. (I don't think my parents remember but I asked their permission already!)

Though, there's one thing or person that can change all of my plans. All you have to do is ask.

(Ugh. This post is getting me depressed. haha)

It Feels Like A Saturday

Classes were suspended today due to the typhoon. This whole week went by so fast. I can't remember much about this week except for my Th151 quiz and Pos100 LT and the happiness of yesterday. The reason is to remain secret. HAHA

I was picked up 3pm. Passed by the mall because my sister was teasing my parents to treat us "lunch." And so we did. We arrived home around 5pm.

By 5.30pm, my mom knocked on my door. She's asking me to go with her to another mall. Fine. I did. I dunno why I did. I hate shopping.

Anyhoo, pointless entry. Shit. HAHAHA. It just feels like it's saturday already. Well, this week just went by so quickly. I didn't even notice that it's weekend already. And I have nothing to do for this weekend. Rest time. Weeeeeeeeee.

I Dunno What To Do

side A: Why are you always with Side -?
I rarely get to talk to you.

Side B: I'm getting jealous of Side -.

Side C: How come when you see me you don't seem happy?

Side D: How come when you see me it's different? It's as if you're not happy!

Side E: Ayan e. Inuuna si Side -. (This one's a joke! HAHA)

Saan ka pa? Can I just not take a side and just co-exist with all of you? I really don't want to take a side. Though, I know whose company I enjoy the most. And I bet you are thinking of the wrong side. BUT, don't overthink this. I just am so torn. I'll try my best to pull all of you together. I miss you already.

In demand amp. HAHAHA Hindi tayo mag-on ha. We're just friends! HAHA

Sick

I've been sick for 4 days now. Ugh. It feels so bad. I've been moody and quiet. I want normalcy! I wanna be better by tomorrow so that I can be normal again. haha

Anyhoo, more than anything, I'm really bothered. No, not because of my sickness. I am scared that I am "losing" people around me. I no longer know what to do.

Some people think that I am replacing them in my life because I, not by choice, am spending less time with them. God knows how much I wanna spend time with you. If only you would tell me or invite me to where you are. I am willing to drop everything and be with you. Take this as a hint.

Last week has been odd and unfortunately really bad. The past month has been really, really, really good. Then, suddenly, last week passed and it changed a lot. For one, I've been so sick of going school because what has kept me looking forward to school for the past month is no longer as dependable. I am so vague. haha

I'd rather be swined than lose you. I just hope that this week will be better and that whatever has constantly happened the week before last week continues and even becomes better.

D-Day: Depression Day

By last night, I knew today would potentially be a sad day. I couldn't study last night because my brain was floating away and I was already sleepy. I planned to wake up 4am to study for my 4 quizzes today. Unfortunately, I was only subconscious when I turned off the alarm and fell back to sleep.

Major fail. I have 4 quizzes and I am so unprepared. Luckily, the Theo quiz was canceled and the 2 Eco quizzes were good. Philo was sorta ok. I got a 7 of 10.

Anyhoo, I don't care about acads today. It's really my emotions that's driving me crazy today.

Something that usually happens didn't and it just strengthened my worries from yesterday. And when you expect things to happen and they don't, you start to worry. And that's what I did during my classes. I don't know if we're okay or not. Good thing acads kept me busy and I didn't linger with the idea much.

When classes ended, that's when the "emoness" really kicked in. By 4pm, we were dismissed early and I wen't straight to AEA. I dunno. I just really didn't feel my usual self again. I greeted people but wasn't as happy as usual.

"Stressed?"

"Bakit ang tahimik mo?"

"BV?"

"What's wrong?"

Those were the questions that they threw at me. I tried to pretend that I was okay but I couldn't. I ended up sitting in the corner pretending to read an Economics book.

Most of them left by 4.30pm and I was left with a Freshman. More came eventually. BVness and silence filled the room. Everyone was "depressed." Misery really does love company.

Again, I post the same question as yesterday..

Why don't you just fucking tell me how you feel? Or would it be too shameful to admit it?

No more secret. Just be honest. And that'd mean everything to me.

I feel like I'm losing you. I don't want it to happen.

Questions

If the world would just be more honest, it would simpler.

If I were more honest, would I be happier?


I feel so odd today. It's like nothing about me was right. I just feel so odd. I wasn't in the mood to be "happy." Everything was set for disappointment.

I want the world to know how I feel. I want you to know how I feel. But if I did, would it even matter? Would it change anything? Would you reciprocate? I don't think so. Or maybe. I dunno. Are you giving me the green light? Orange? Or red? It changes too much. Or maybe I just over-interpret things.

Why don't you just fucking tell me how you feel? Or would it be too shameful to admit it? No more secret. Just be honest. And that'd mean everything to me.