Work

It's been 6 months. By Thursday, my contract with our "company" ends.

God only knows how much I hated work in my first few months. I'd always leave by 5pm sharp. I felt so awkward at work. I was an imp in the company of angels. Literally. Lunch would be about poverty, our communities, our workers, poverty, the poor, poverty, quality of life of the poor, poverty, poverty... These aren't topics I'm used to. My boss would always ask me my opinion about such things and I felt very awkward around her. Very.

Eventually, as our office and my appreciation for the work we do grew, I enjoyed it more and more. "Para kanino ka bumabangon?" Honestly, I wake up for work. I look forward to work everyday. Everyday. When I feel tired and lazy to get up, I just think of how much joy work brings me and how many lives we touch. And I'd get up with a smile. I used to do it for the money. Now, I do it for the experience more than anything.

I've been "sad" the past week because I knew that my stay at the office is coming an end... I love my officemates. We're just at the point of building strong friendships. They've been telling me that Tita would certainly not let go of me. But, hello, the fact remains that I have nothing to do in the office anymore. HAHA As in, nothing. I've done my part already.

Do you remember how awesome Tita is?

Today, one of my officemates was hinting something. I knew something was up. Tita called me to her room. We talked about poverty and one of our communities. Nothing unusual. Then, she opened up about my contract. Ummmm, she offered me to go part-time. What will I do? I have no freaking idea. She said something about "technical support." I would troubleshoot the program we use in the office when the need arises. Ummm, when would that need come? We both know I know nothing about that. She just really wanted me to stay with the team so I can grow more as a person and so I can maintain my friendship with them team. She even made sure that my work schedule would coincide with my classes so I don't have to go there on days when I don't have class.

The offer is still up in the air. I don't know if I should take it. I just want to thank Tita for being soooooo awesome. She's basically willing to give me allowance? That's how I see it.

Tita

That's what we call our boss. Yes, we're weird that way. HAHA Our salary, we call it "allowance." She brings us lunch everyday. Often, she brings us cupcakes and pastries for merienda. Sometimes, when we work late, she even buys food for us.

I can't believe how awesome this person is. We are all in awe of her. Seriously.

Tita came from a old-rich family. Her husband, Tito, practically owns Bukidnon. She was part of the first batch of Mgt-H students of the Ateneo. She didn't finish. She went to the States and studied Economics there. Now, she's finishing her thesis for her PhD in Clinical Psych. They live in Forbes. They donated a building in the Ateneo. She is incredibly religious. Her two sons are on their way to become priests. Her daughter is a Theologian. None of these she told us, we just googled them. HAHAHA

Recently, however, our building (our office is only 2 rented rooms in the building) has been abuzz about a scam. Tita warned us that media might come if they find out where she works. See, Tito is purportedly involved in a scam that has been on the frontpage of the news the past few years. Last week, a plunder case was filed against him. I am absolutely confident that Tito did nothing wrong. Anyhoo, people in the building are supposedly scared of being "assassinated" and that Tita's "8 bodyguards" are bothering them. Hell no. Tita does not have a single bodyguard. I was just so pissed at these people. Clearly, they have no idea who Tita and Tito are.

Tita is the simplest, smartest, and most compassionate person I know. Today, we had a one-on-one meeting about what I've been doing. She was so depressed about the condition of the poor. We talk about the poor everyday. We pray for them frequently. Her whole life is devoted to the poor. They are constantly in her heart.Everyone in the office feels inadequate coz her quality of work puts everyone else's to shame. She knows each and every single detail about of sample villages. Down to how far these GK villages are from the town proper.

I know I'm still not comfortable around Tita. Nangliliit ako.HAHAHA I'm just not up to her level of dedication and I feel as though I'm disappointing her. Being around her just makes me realize how lacking I am. HAHAHA It's such a humbling experience. I can't help but feel that God really led me to work for her. I know. It's weird. I am the opposite of what Tita is. However, I feel that everyday I am around her, I am moving closer to becoming like her. HAHA Tita is really awesome.

To top all of these, she even skypes! Awesome.

5 Reasons Why 2011 Is Awesome

1. Work
Extra income! HAHAHA I know I don't particularly like the work I'm doing but hey, money is money. Mukhang pera?! HAHAHA It's a decent pay for what I do.

2. Sony Walkman
I won one in an online contest by AXN. Oo, pumapatol ako sa contests. HAHAHA Not much but it feels awesome to win something! Though, i don't know what I'll do with it. HAHAHA

3. Travel
My known travel plans this year: HK/Macau by March, Beijing in April, Korea in June. Salamat sa airfare promos! HAHA Aside from this, my boss and I had a talk. I'll be parttime from Feb to March so that I have time to study. Actually, she doesn't appreciate that I have to leave work early for school! HAHAHA BUT, she promised me travel sa summer. Not Bora, Palawan, etc. But travel is travel. I'll go around our 31 villages around the country. Mind you, 3 lang dito ang Manila. Sana ituloy niya! Ay wait, 30 lang pala ang pwede ko puntahan. Sa Sulu yung isa. Scared.

4. Econometrics Test
I got the highest score in the Econometrics test! POTAH. So happy about this. Ako na mayabang sorry. HAHAHAHA Well, nobody knows really but those who read this coz I haven't told anyone. HAHA I expected to get a low grade but I got a good grade! YAY! So happy. haha Though, I had an unfair advantage. I got a copy of my professors powerpoint presentations and a sample test. Both of which my friend and I never shared to anyone. HAHAHA Competitive much? Ganun daw talaga eh.

5. Switzerland
I might go. Joke. Di ako nageexpect but surely hoping. HAHA I got an email today from a Leadership Seminar I applied for. I got in. Don't think this is prestigious! It's not! HAHAHAHA Around 1 thousand people got accepted, i think. Now, I need 3,000 Euros! Yes, 3,0000 Euros. :| I WILL NOT GO IF MY PARENTS PAY FOR IT. It's just no practical.

Though, there is hope! HAHA My dad works for government and knows people. And the government has "discretionary" funds for situations like mine. Shet. I hope I raise the 3,000 Euros!

When I told my dad that I got in and that I needed sponsors. He replied "Try natin. Sagot ko. Don't tell your mom I'll fund you." I said "NO, I won't go if we pay for it." He replied "Don't worry. *toot* will pay for it." I hope!!

When I told my mom about it "Ang laking amount niyan. Anong libre?" HAHAHA Oh, mom, so jologs. hahahaha

I'm not expecting but I really hope I raise the 3,000Euros. Shet ka, dad, pinaasa mo ako! :| HAHA

Weekends Don't Exist

Here's my schedule last week that'll overlap with the coming week. Huhuhuhu

Monday: GK Site visit the whole day for work.

Tuesday: Work, work, work. Class at night.

Wednesday: Work. Dinner with friends.

Thursday: Received the questions for International Econ Midterms exam at 2 in the morning. Woke up by 7. Work til 5pm. Class from 6-9pm. Start with the Intl Econ Midterms til 2am.

Friday: Woke up at 7am and skipped work to do the Exam. Finished by 5pm? Huhuhuhu. Class from 6pm-9pm. Only 5 people showed up for class. The rest were working on their Midterm exam. Got home by 9.30pm. Finished editing my answers by 10.30pm. Sent! It was due 2am of Saturday.

I also received another set of questions for Dev't Econ midterms Friday night.

Saturday: Woke up at 9am. HAHA It felt good to sleeeeep. Procastinated til 3pm. HAHAHAHA Started reviewing for Dev't Econ. It's now 6pm and I haven't started. It's due at 10 in the morning tomorrow. :O Must start soon but my brain's not working. Huhuhu

Tomorrow: Finish the exam in the morning. In the afternoon, i have to make a powerpoint presentation for Int'l Econ due Monday. Report on Tuesday.

If I survive til Tuesday, make another report for Dev't Econ over the next weekend.

Summer, please come fast!

To top all of that, my boss at work has been extra hard on me. I'm a research assistant and yet she keeps on making me "memorize" all the GK sites under our research by heart. Small details about all of those. What are the differences? How many houses? How many people?? Health clinic? Public school? Homeowners association? And muuuuuch more. ADDICT KA BA?!?!?! I bet di mo rin memorized, okay?! I was just supposed to encode data not study them! Wala nang capacity utak ko. HAHAHAHAHA

Rant over.

Work

I got a job last Tuesday. I was offered the job after the interview and I started working the following day. It was all too fast. I wasn't prepared so my whole week (acads-wise) has been fucked up!

Anyhoo, work is good, for now. I guess everyone who's new to a job always has this perspective that the work is good. I'm a research assistant for an American-educated Filipina taking her Doctorate in Psychology. I basically arrange her data and files. She's awesome.

Why she's awesome: she babies her research assistant! I love it. I get paid an decent amount. She brings us lunch everyday!! I am so happy about this. HAHA She's partially vegan and yet she brings for us all sorts of viands! Today, we had liempo, chicken afritada, and calamares. To top that, she even brought cake! HAHAHAHA Ako na matakaw. Ang babaw ko shet. We also have a full "panty" of chips, cookies, and soda.

I love the fact that she brings food for us coz that means I don't spend at all everyday!! HAHA I can save moooooooooney since my mom has decided not to give me allowance coz "i'm working already."

She's also really nice. Too nice for my liking though. HAHA Ummmm, not that I don't like nice people but I just feel weird around them. They're really engaged in their research work and she's really doing this to help the country out. It's really noble. I just don't fit in too well, i guess. But, it's been a good influence really. We pray before meals. Prayers that really come from the heart. And today, I went to mass with them. See? Good influence!

And I don't really have much work to do, for now. I constantly find myself on Twitter. I take millions of little breaks to go around campus. I've watched a couple of videos on youtube. I've went out of the office just to stay outside the office. Work isn't that much demanding for now so I really do have a lot of free time.

I'm enjoying work for now. I just have to find balance between work and studies! One need not suffer hopefully.

I Live in a Teleserye

Yesterday, I got a job. Yay, i thought to myself. I can get some money for me. That was in the morning.Great, 2011 might be awesome after all. That was the end of it's awesomeness.

Later that night, my dad was confined in the hospital. He has been complaining about his eye a few days before New Year. He had them checked and stuff. They said he just needed glasses. We got the results a couple of days back but the doctor wasn't in the country or something and couldn't articulate the results. Yesterday, we found out that he has high everything. I dunno what specifically my mom meant by everything. Blood pressure? Blood sugar? I have no idea. All I know is that my dad is in the hospital.

And crap just keep on piling up.

My dad's in the hospital.

My mom and sister had a MAJOR fight.

Minor shit: I have so much to do so little time! And I have a headache. Works just seems to be a hassle all of sudden. And it's only Day 1.

Meh

Today was gonna be a good day. I really, really, really thought it would be. Guess not. I found the urge to blog for privacy matters. HAHA

The plan today was simple go to school to submit Econometrics HW, try to read book, go to Xmas party, go to class, follow to Xmas after party. Good day. I really thought it was gonna be a good day. One thing I took for granted: my moods. HAHAHAHA

SHET. It's such a bad day to be off!

I was perfectly fine in the morning. I was having one of those rare good mornings. I was singing to my morning tunes! Rarity! Anyhoo, I dunno where my mood turned ugly. I just suddenly felt the world was slapping me with all my inadequacies! You have no idea.

I cut class coz I thought the Christmas party and after-party would be too much to miss. I knew the lesson for today. I can manage to skip class today. Now, I feel like I should have attended class! It's not even coz the party was bad. It was fun I just really wasn't in the mood! I can't even explain. It just really felt like the world was showing me what I should be but am not.

Shet. I don't want this crappyness to linger throughout the weekend!!!!

Preparation and Self-Doubt

These two are expected to have a negative correlation. (Shet. The first thing that came to mind is an Eco joke. If you don't get of that sentence's relation to Eco, you are not an Eco major. HAHAHA)

Anyhoo, what most people don't know is that I actually prepared for the 2nd semester. I spent weeks reading up my undergraduate books. Though, obviously not sufficient, it has helped me a lot to be more prepared for my MA. Right now, I am still not having a difficult time. I hope it remains this way forever. HAHA

I had two classes this week. Development and Econometrics. We had a shitload of things to read for Dev't: 200pages, more or less. I didn't finish it. I probably read 130 pages of it? And I felt guilty about it. However, my brain just didn't want to accept info anymore. HAHA However, it turned out to be more than sufficient. A lot of my classmates read 1 book. The undergraduate level basic information book. I felt good that I had to drive to read more than the usual. HAHAHA

However, during recitation, I was just too shy to recite. Sucks for me!! I knew the answers. Just didn't have the confidence to spill it coz I was doubting myself. Don't get me wrong, I was able to recite. But I feel like I could have delivered more. I need to get my confidence back. :|

It was a whole different case with Econometrics. It was a school holiday last Friday. I thought we wouldn't have class. I read nothing for it. Turns out, we weren't affected by the school holiday. Anyway, the session was devoted for review of some Statistics concepts and Econometric modelling.

Thank God I read up before the semester started. I was able to understand the lesson, for the most part. HAHA And one instance just proved how much I was doubting myself.

**
My professor said that Regression models had to be linear in both parameters and variables. I remembered from my old Econometrics book that models only had to be linear in parameters. (Proof: Log-Linear models are not linear in variables!) Anyhoo, I wasn't sure but I checked my notes and it agreed with me. (Yes, when I read before the semester, I took down notes. Nerdmode. I hope it lasts!)

Anyway, I asked my friend if I was write or not. She said I was. I wanted to tell my professor but I couldn't. I asked her to but she couldn't either. HAHAHA We ended up just accepting whatever the professor said.

**
I hate that I have so much self-doubt. I swear, people are not giving me enough credit and it is affecting my confidence. Just saying. HAHA

I need to be always prepared for school! I hope I can do it! I don't want to slack off. Although, unfortunately, I have feeling I will. Please slap me if I do.

Btw, I am starting to like my MA classmates. There are pretty nice people there. It feels like Survivor. The old vs. the young! HAHA Ofcourse, I go with the young. :))

Δ

Change.

I gotta warn you that this will be an extremely long post. HAHA

This is my first week as a student again. I'm taking an MA in Economics. I have only 3 classes for this semester: International Economics, Economics of Development, and Econometrics. I have no actual rant about my classes just yet. The professor gave a freecut in Int'l Economics. We only had intros in Dev't and Econometrics. Classes are a bit boring I'm trying my best to stay focused. And it's kind of working. Plus, the fact that I don't have much friends there is a good thing. I have no one to chat with! HAHA My classmates are a bit scary and intimidating. Ummmmm, most of 'em are old and snotty.

Anyway this post is really about change. It's amazing and really dishearting (for now, atleast) what a semester has done to change so much in so little time.

Yes, I admit that part of me expected things to be the same. I thought I was going back to my Ateneo. The Ateneo that I know was fun. I was always welcome. I was loved. I expected the same things from those that I am/was close to at least. I knew that other people would be colder towards me coz a few months have passed and I didn't really try my best to stay in contact.

What could possible change in so little time?? A lot, apparently.

First, I feel so unsure of myself. I keep on second-guessing myself. I just really, really, really, find my old classmates intimidating. I feel like a Freshman in a Senior's class! HAHAHAHA. I just have to fight them by being so fucking prepared for class. I've made 1 new friend in my classes the whole week. HAHAHA Pathetic, i know. Well, it seems like talking is not a very popular activity in evening classes. Everyone's so focused on the lesson. Hello. We've only had intros, remember? HAHA. I tried to be witty and funny (my usual undergrad self) when we were asked to introduce ourselves, I failed miserably. Nobody reacted. HAHAHA Kahiya! There are a couple of people in class though that I think I can be good friends with! Exciting opportunity.

Second, a lot of people hate me now. Fine, hate is such a strong word. HAHAHA Dislike? I just feel like they made their presence felt this week. These people are those whom I've had previous bad encounters. Nothing really new. It's just surprising how everybody seems to be on my case lately. People deleting me on Facebook and shit like that. Pathetic, i know, but, honestly, it is getting to me. I guess, when I was "on top", I wasn't really the nicest of people. HAHAHA And I was actually planning on being nicer to everyone this semester. Well, I guess they don't want my friendship.
Actually, I think, when I was gone last semester, people started talking behind my back and exposed the things I said and did when I was still an undgrad. HAHAHA I know. My bad.

Also, I have this clique in AEA. People perceive this clique to be the "council of past/current/next presidents" of sorts. It's a very gregarious and opinionated group. Recently, everyone has just been making us feel how poorly they perceive us. I know we have this tendency to be frank and almost brutal people. I recognize that fact. But I just really find it extremely unfair that people just look at us in such a bad light. We have our own lives. Yes, we do talk about people, but for the most part we talk about things more relevant to us than your lives.

Third, apparently, AEA's still dying, at a faster right this time. Nobody goes to the room anymore. The projects are better handled, definitely. However, people just don't bother to help out anymore. Nobody cares. The block cliques are back. People are so uninspired. People think that it has become work. I can't elaborate. My point is that people are leaving AEA to die. Morale is so low. Apathy and pessimism is high.

Fourth, I'm giving myself 4 more weeks to win the Economics freshmen over. I dunno if I can do it. As i said, i just feel so unsure of myself. Why me? I think I'm capable and I'm one of the few who care enough to help AEA. The Freshmen are the hope of AEA. If I succeed, we might get back all the people we lost. HAHA I'll go to school on Monday just to attend an AEA event. I just hope Freshmen go! If not, I'd waste my day.

Fifth, I miss my blockmates. Ateneo's not just the same without them. I feel like i'm sticking out like a sore thumb. Everyone around me is "nice, safe, and sweet." That's not me. That's not my block. My block is honest, fierce, and fun. HAHAHA I am truly a member of my block. However, I am no longer with them. I need to, I guess, lessen my opinions so I can fit in better in their pseudo-real world.

Sixth, my friends are weird. I almost feel unwelcome. I feel such an outsider lately. I tried talking to one of them about it. For some reason, the conversation grew more and more awkward. It grew into a conversation about AEA shiz and how it is affecting me the dynamics of our friendship. I'm not from any of the batches left in the Ateneo. I'm an outsider looking in. I always have to be the one giving the extra effort to be part of something. For some reason, me reaching out feels unappreciated. I made it apparent to my friend that I can tolerate AEA's state. ( I never really did well with it anyway! HAHAHA). I was just simply scared of losing my friends, especially those who are dear to me.

And this was the reply I got:

"The best thing to do is to accept that things have changed. Once you've accepted it, everything will be easier."


ARE YOU SERIOUS? I just wanted to be assured that amidst all the shit happening in AEA/Ateneo that I can count on you to be my blanket of normalcy!!

Sucks that I have to end this week on such a bad note. And it also sucks that emotional stress weighs more than academic stress.

Death

One of my batchmates in Ateneo Economics died today. I dunno much of the details. Car accident, I heard. We were just talking about him last night in a bday party. When I woke up today from a nap, it was all over Facebook. I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. We weren't close. He was from the other block. We were just mere acquaintances. However, i felt my heart sink when I found out about the news.I was deeply affected.

I am scared. I really feel like death is slowly creeping up on me. Death has been becoming more and more of a reality. People "close" (by proximity?) to me are dying. Dad of classmates. Friends. Lolo. People close to me. When I was a kid, death did not feel like it was imminent. I knew it would happen but I sort of relegated it as a far future reality. Something I can disregard in the present.

However, recently, it is becoming an issue of the now. The death of my batchmate just made me realize how much time we waste on such trivial things. It's sad how much effort we put on dwelling on problems that are so inconsequential. Life does not end with one shitty day/problem. Life can end in an instant. And we should never take it for granted.

Random Shiz

I just woke up today and felt so evil(?). I realized how much different I am from whatever I was back in HS and the earlier parts of college. And it's kinda discomforting.

I feel like such an evil person. HAHA I haven't really been a good friend to people. I used to be pleasant (at least) towards others. I always wore that big smile. I was a friendly person. Recently, however, I dunno, I feel like something's changed. I'm more evil?

I think I've become the type to (a) prejudge people then (b) think if I wanna be their friend then (c) love 'em or shun 'em. Most of the time, I think (emphasis on think), I am a good judge of character. However, I now feel like I need to give everyone a chance.

Okay. My head is starting to have random thoughts like:
(a) I am kinda nice alone
(b) I up my evilness when I'm in my comfort zone/group
(c) I don't give people enough chances
(d) However, the current state, ironically, gives me more leeway and power (vague).
(e) I am, still, a controlling and scheming person. HAHA (Why did I just type that?)
(f) If you read this, ummmmmmm, let's stay friends, okay? HAHA
(g) It's really better to be my friend than my enemy.
(h) ^ That sounded so egoistic.

'Nuff said. Part of me wants to change.

Gaaaaaaaah

I've always believed that I can always manage to get by. I can always do things that I want. I believed that I can.

Right now, gaaaah, I'm in the "everything-is-so-overwhelming" phase. Every little thing feels so major. Everything feels so heavy; so important. Every little decision seems so important. Examples: what time do I wake up, should I go out today, when will I do this, when will I do that, etc. Etc. I feel like I'm walking on really thin ice. I feel like one wrong move and everything will falter. Gaaaaah. I can't explain myself. I just feel lost. HAHA

Making a "wrong" decision now, would spiral to more "wrong" things happening. And that pressure (out of nowhere?) is mounting, for some reason. I don't want to make a wrong decision now that will cause more wrong things to happen.

Ugh. Life's so bleh lately. BLEH. I love this word. I just want a sense of normalcy and routine (This. Is. A. First.) back. HAHA

Dilemmas

Shit. I haven't blogged in a loooooong while. HAHA

Since it's been difficult (and tiring!) to look for a job, I am finally thinking about giving in to what my mom wants: more school. I've been searching online the past few weeks about programs and schools. I am so confused. Finally, I can admit, I dunno what to fucking do with my life. Will I be 063574 again? Or another school would be better? What am I going to take up? MA in Economics? Law School? Culinary School? An MA in something else??

This all started when I told my mom I had an interview for a company. "Just go to school next semester. You've already wasted a semester." Yes, I agree. HAHA School is the most feasible and practical thing to do coz (a) it's difficult to find a decent job and (b)I won't get paid well anyway. I think my allowance to school would be slightly less than what I'd be earning a day.

I dread going to job applications/exams/interviews. So when my mom told me that, I just decided that I'll stop looking for a job. HAHA This week, I've ditched 4 comapanies. Part of me knows that this is probably a flash in the pan. And that just makes me more confused.

More mind boggling shit:

The only school that will readily accept me next semester would be the Economics Department of Ateneo. I've looked at the curriculum and it seems, ummm, manageable? However, the thought of going thru Statistics and Metrics again is scaring the shit out of me. Though, part of me thinks that this just might be the perfect time to redeem myself. HAHA BUT, what if I don't? What if I suck at it more?

Law school. This is what my mom wants. But hello, this would be by June 2011! I've always wanted to be a lawyer until Junior year (?) when I just got so lazy and decided that more school would be bleh. AND, the fact that all the pressure from family that I be a lawyer just sucks. The rebel in me does not want to go law school just coz. But, in reality, I still kinda want it, I think. But heck, I don't like my parents/uncle/aunts/lolos/lolas (UMMMMM, everyone) telling me to go to law school.

I hate the fact that everyone's forcing me to go to law school just coz I knew as a child that I wanted to be a lawyer. It's like everyone's been conditioned to condition me to go to law school. That just sucks and I dunno why. HAHA Rebel me.

Culinary school seems fun! However, it's costly and I just dunno if I really want it. And I was looking at the app form, I need to take written exams and pre-school courses. WTF. I didn't know it's serious like that.

And, yeah, i forgot to tell you that the Economics Department will take me in no matter what coz I'm an alumnus. No exams/ shit. So it's really easy to get in. I dunno about the staying there.

And other MA's in other departments just won't accept me readily. I have to take the qualifying test and I might have to take extra non-degree classes which is soooooo bleh. It seems like I'm stuck in Economics if I decide to pursue an MA.

BUT! There's an MBA in the Professional Schools which takes in fresh graduates. I just don't know if they accept students during the 2nd semester. I'll call them up tomorrow to ask.

See? I dunno what to do with my life. HAHA And did I mention it's 4am? And that I always think about shit like this every night before I sleep. Not healthy.

And, I know Imma regret blogging about it tomorrow coz I know, by tomorrow, I've probably changed my mind again. Eeeeeeep. So indecisive. So unsure. So lost. I hate it.

Pre-Birthday Blues

HAHA. I dunno. I'm just scared to spend my birthday without a social construct aside from family. HAHA Must. Stay. Positive. hahaha

It feels weird. There's just not much to look forward to.

Shoulder Pains

My shoulder bone/joint popped out. I dislocated my right arm. Booooooo. Clumsy me. It was slightly painful. This is the 2nd time this has happened.

I had to push it back on to align it. Pain. Pain. Pain. Ouch.

Though, it's feeling better now.

Commuting

I feel such an accomplished commuter already. HAHA I’m no longer scared to commute. I now have the balls to take routes not so familiar to me. I now ride jeepneys and MRT’s/LRT’s on a regular basis without any apprehension.

I love the MRT. I still hate the fact that is sooooooooooo overcrowded. However, it makes commuting so much faster and easier. I remember the first time I rode one last year during rush hour. I was astounded by the number of people trying to get in. I lined up behind all those people assuming that’d we’d all get in. But no, 2 trains passed by and I was able to ride. I had to assert myself.

Now, I use my size as an advantage. I am such a bully in the MRT! HAHA However, PLEASE, people who ride the MRT, ummmmmmmmmm, take a bath often and don’t fart inside the train. And, I need to learn to focus. HAHA I’ve lost 2 MRT cards already onboard trying to stalk people. HAHAHAHA

On the other hand, I seriously don’t like riding jeepneys but they’re cheap as hell. The pollution, heat, and smell are so overwhelming. But, I just have to ride them to save up on money. Example: Riding a cab to the MRT station from our house in Makati would cost around 50php. Riding the jeep would cost 7php!

BUT, commuting is so tiring. It involves a lot of waiting and a lot of people. Also, germs, germs, germs are everywhere! Plus, haggardness is always a possibility. HAHA Therefore, always be ready for these. I’ve learned to bring alcohol every time I commute. Also, don’t forget to look mean and tough to ward off jejemons. HAHA

Water

I don't get why there's a water crisis in Manila! It's been raining pretty regularly lately. I heard in the news that the crisis is caused by too much water leakages thanks to broken water pipes or something. I've had enough of this water crisis! I'm going nuts already.

Wait, we do have water, btw. However, water pressure is too weak that it doesn't go up. It does not reach my room. My washroom does not have water. The faucets in it have not released a single drop since the storm. So that's roughly 6 days of being waterless. I have to fetch water all the way down from the basement. Ummm, 2 flights of stairs. Not easy at all. My arms hurt. SO, i use the water very, very, very wisely. HAHAHA

God, please let there be water. I appreciate it more now. I need it. I am tired of fetching for water. HAHA And, please help Maynilad/ MWSS fix their pipes. Thanks.

Patterns

Being away from friends comes with a lot of difficulties. One of these: knowing when they're mad at you! Rarely do people tell you that they're mad/irritated/pissed at you. You won't know. You need to be extra-sensitive to figure it out. I rely on "patterns" to know when something is wrong. I know my friends so well that I know what to expect from them given certain circumstances. I don't wanna give too much details coz I don't want you to know if i'm checking our relationship. HAHA

The past week, I was involved in 2 misunderstanding. Amazingly, I detected them both easily. It's so difficult to talk to people when they're mad at you and you don't see him/her frequently. It's either you wait for a long time to meet the person and talk it through or you apologize through the wire.

I apologized both instances as soon as I confirmed it myself that something was wrong. The first one snubbed my apology and is giving me the cold treatment. I apologized twice already and I don't really mind anymore. It'll fix itself soon enough. The second one went well.

Right now, something is wrong with one my friend's pattern. I am not sure. Maybe i'm just interpreting it too much this time around. But hello, what did I do to you? Let me assume that you're just busy. Too busy to talk to me. Ouch.

Chasing a Dream

HAHAHAHA. What a stupid title.

After all the drama of job "waiting", i'm back to job hunting. I started sending out my resume again last week and I expect this week to be a week of interviews again. True enough, I got 3 calls already: IBM, Toyota, and the Canadian Embassy.

IBM was a lost call. They called me up on my mobile but I couldn't hear what she was telling me. She called me up on the landline. I still couldn't hear her. "Ma'am, I think something's wrong with your phone." She told me that she'd just email me the details of the interview. She never did!

Yesterday morning, Toyota called. I had an interview at 8.30am on Thursday. They called up so early. That phone call woke me up. I was certainly drowsy when they were talking to me. I even wrote the details on my copy of the Last Lecture. Poor book. I slept again after the call.

When I woke up I checked my mail. I had an email from the Canadian Embassy. I have an exam with them on Thrusday, 8.30am as well. Ummmmmmm, same time. And i dunno what to do. I'm too shy to call Toyota to resched but I also wanna pursue Toyota.

The Canadian Embassy represents a dream. (Whut?!) While Toyota represents practicality. (Whut?) HAHAHAHA I mean, should I pursue the Canadian Embassy when I know that the chances of me getting a job there is very slim. I will lose my chance at Toyota if I go to the Embassy but it seems more plausible that I get a job with Toyota.

But no, I will go to the Embassy still. HAHAHAHA

I'll try to call up Toyota now. That is, if I find the courage to. HAHA

God Has A Plan

This post will not sound like I wrote this. HAHA

If I knew 4 months ago that I'd still be a bum by now, I would have entered a call center by then. 4 months ago I had a clear dreams: (a) work abroad and get the hell out of here or (b) find a job in Makati and get my own condo. Now, neither A nor B has happened. Sometimes, yes, I get frustrated, a LOT.

I wouldn't believe it if somebody told me that I wouldn't find a job in 4 months. 4 months ago, I wanted to look for work as an escape. I wanted that, as soon as I finish college, I'd start working already so that I can escape from what I expected to be a bitter transition to being nothing. Nothing. From something to literally nothing. I knew it would be a slow and painful transition. And no, this does not involve being org president or shit. This was about friendship(s).

I knew that, sooner or later, people would forget. People would not care. I would just matter less and less and less. Yes, partly, this is happening and, yes, it pains me that I see it unravel. I feel like my niche is slowly disappearing but that's just how the ball rolls.

However, things became better than I expected how things would happen. I expected much much worse. Those that mattered actually stayed. Though I sometimes feel that I am being replaced (well, coz i'm just crazy like that HAHA), for the most part, I know that I have a special place in their hearts. And that is very comforting. I need not escape. I am welcome.

I stopped looking for work 2 months ago. I thought I had HP in the bag coz they told me so. Now, I get zero replies from that bitch of an HR assistant. I gave up on HP so I started looking for work again last Friday.

Sometimes I am rattled by the reality of my situation. It just feels so fucking weird for Ateneans to have difficulty in looking for work but, that is reality. And yet, I am actually at ease with that reality at the same time. For what God has not given me yet (a job), He has given me more of what I really want: time (for family and for friends).

I will get work sooner or later. That's for sure. However, I never know how much time I have left with family and friends. I do not know how much longer I will matter in their lives.

Though, at times, I get sad over not being where I want to be (aka school, more specifically, AEA room HAHAHA), I just know that things will fall into place soon. And that all these times I spent being sad over that would just merely look stupid.

Just trying to look at the better side of things.