Unsure

Things have been crazy lately. I feel like i don't know who I am. I've done things that I never thought I would do. I never thought I was like this. I've made decisions that are against my "principles" to keep my sanity. I just dunno where I stand now. I don't know where I am heading. I don't know how I ended up like this. I am so unsure of everything. I am so unsure of myself.

Prayer

Lord,

What are you doing to me? I don't think I can handle it anymore. My chest feels so heavy and ready to explode anytime. Everything around me seems so fucked up. I feel so fucked up. Everything I see reminds me of my pain.

Was it ever your plan to do this to me? Am I really strong enough to take all of this and come out of it alive? I dunno. Right now I feel like giving up. I wanna cry and tell the world how I feel.

I have a lot of things to do. Acads, mostly. And yet, all of my attempts to do them would just be futile coz i can't find the heart to do them. I am disturbed. I am disturbed at every vision of things that remind me. I am bothered by every sight of everything.

I just wanna be honest. I just want to make me feel better. I just want to feel loved. I just want to be happy. I just you to know. I just want to talk and cry my heart out but I fear that no one would understand. I just want to go back to the days of simplicity and happiness.

Tonight, as i sleep, i wish i dream of those days. I wanna remember the good days coz we've all been messed up lately. Those days when nothing could bring us down.

I love you.

Amen

Sense of Urgency

I've lost my sense of urgency this sem. Nothing seems important enough to make me wanna move. It's 3am and I have only read a very, very, very small percentage of my Philo readings and I have an oral exam tomorrow. And I still don't feel the pressure.

Defeated

I just feel so defeated. I said last week that I'm gonna be back: happy and witty. I guess, today was just a real bummer.

I was busy with doing thesis last night 'til 2am. I never expected that it was gonna be really difficult. We were warned that it would be difficult but we were just so lost. We didn't know what we were doing but we really tried our best.

We printed the topic proposal and the RRL-ish thing by 2pm. We submitted by 3pm. Our adviser breezed through it. Made comments such as "ang bigat naman nito" and that was it. He didn't get to read the real substance of our paper! He just judged the whole thing by reading the 1st sentence of every paragraph. That got me BV.


He returned it by the end of class with no comments and told us that he wouldn't grade our papers anymore.

I feel like we wasted our efforts.