Friday, December 17, 2010


Today was gonna be a good day. I really, really, really thought it would be. Guess not. I found the urge to blog for privacy matters. HAHA

The plan today was simple go to school to submit Econometrics HW, try to read book, go to Xmas party, go to class, follow to Xmas after party. Good day. I really thought it was gonna be a good day. One thing I took for granted: my moods. HAHAHAHA

SHET. It's such a bad day to be off!

I was perfectly fine in the morning. I was having one of those rare good mornings. I was singing to my morning tunes! Rarity! Anyhoo, I dunno where my mood turned ugly. I just suddenly felt the world was slapping me with all my inadequacies! You have no idea.

I cut class coz I thought the Christmas party and after-party would be too much to miss. I knew the lesson for today. I can manage to skip class today. Now, I feel like I should have attended class! It's not even coz the party was bad. It was fun I just really wasn't in the mood! I can't even explain. It just really felt like the world was showing me what I should be but am not.

Shet. I don't want this crappyness to linger throughout the weekend!!!!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Preparation and Self-Doubt

These two are expected to have a negative correlation. (Shet. The first thing that came to mind is an Eco joke. If you don't get of that sentence's relation to Eco, you are not an Eco major. HAHAHA)

Anyhoo, what most people don't know is that I actually prepared for the 2nd semester. I spent weeks reading up my undergraduate books. Though, obviously not sufficient, it has helped me a lot to be more prepared for my MA. Right now, I am still not having a difficult time. I hope it remains this way forever. HAHA

I had two classes this week. Development and Econometrics. We had a shitload of things to read for Dev't: 200pages, more or less. I didn't finish it. I probably read 130 pages of it? And I felt guilty about it. However, my brain just didn't want to accept info anymore. HAHA However, it turned out to be more than sufficient. A lot of my classmates read 1 book. The undergraduate level basic information book. I felt good that I had to drive to read more than the usual. HAHAHA

However, during recitation, I was just too shy to recite. Sucks for me!! I knew the answers. Just didn't have the confidence to spill it coz I was doubting myself. Don't get me wrong, I was able to recite. But I feel like I could have delivered more. I need to get my confidence back. :|

It was a whole different case with Econometrics. It was a school holiday last Friday. I thought we wouldn't have class. I read nothing for it. Turns out, we weren't affected by the school holiday. Anyway, the session was devoted for review of some Statistics concepts and Econometric modelling.

Thank God I read up before the semester started. I was able to understand the lesson, for the most part. HAHA And one instance just proved how much I was doubting myself.

My professor said that Regression models had to be linear in both parameters and variables. I remembered from my old Econometrics book that models only had to be linear in parameters. (Proof: Log-Linear models are not linear in variables!) Anyhoo, I wasn't sure but I checked my notes and it agreed with me. (Yes, when I read before the semester, I took down notes. Nerdmode. I hope it lasts!)

Anyway, I asked my friend if I was write or not. She said I was. I wanted to tell my professor but I couldn't. I asked her to but she couldn't either. HAHAHA We ended up just accepting whatever the professor said.

I hate that I have so much self-doubt. I swear, people are not giving me enough credit and it is affecting my confidence. Just saying. HAHA

I need to be always prepared for school! I hope I can do it! I don't want to slack off. Although, unfortunately, I have feeling I will. Please slap me if I do.

Btw, I am starting to like my MA classmates. There are pretty nice people there. It feels like Survivor. The old vs. the young! HAHA Ofcourse, I go with the young. :))

Friday, November 12, 2010



I gotta warn you that this will be an extremely long post. HAHA

This is my first week as a student again. I'm taking an MA in Economics. I have only 3 classes for this semester: International Economics, Economics of Development, and Econometrics. I have no actual rant about my classes just yet. The professor gave a freecut in Int'l Economics. We only had intros in Dev't and Econometrics. Classes are a bit boring I'm trying my best to stay focused. And it's kind of working. Plus, the fact that I don't have much friends there is a good thing. I have no one to chat with! HAHA My classmates are a bit scary and intimidating. Ummmmm, most of 'em are old and snotty.

Anyway this post is really about change. It's amazing and really dishearting (for now, atleast) what a semester has done to change so much in so little time.

Yes, I admit that part of me expected things to be the same. I thought I was going back to my Ateneo. The Ateneo that I know was fun. I was always welcome. I was loved. I expected the same things from those that I am/was close to at least. I knew that other people would be colder towards me coz a few months have passed and I didn't really try my best to stay in contact.

What could possible change in so little time?? A lot, apparently.

First, I feel so unsure of myself. I keep on second-guessing myself. I just really, really, really, find my old classmates intimidating. I feel like a Freshman in a Senior's class! HAHAHAHA. I just have to fight them by being so fucking prepared for class. I've made 1 new friend in my classes the whole week. HAHAHA Pathetic, i know. Well, it seems like talking is not a very popular activity in evening classes. Everyone's so focused on the lesson. Hello. We've only had intros, remember? HAHA. I tried to be witty and funny (my usual undergrad self) when we were asked to introduce ourselves, I failed miserably. Nobody reacted. HAHAHA Kahiya! There are a couple of people in class though that I think I can be good friends with! Exciting opportunity.

Second, a lot of people hate me now. Fine, hate is such a strong word. HAHAHA Dislike? I just feel like they made their presence felt this week. These people are those whom I've had previous bad encounters. Nothing really new. It's just surprising how everybody seems to be on my case lately. People deleting me on Facebook and shit like that. Pathetic, i know, but, honestly, it is getting to me. I guess, when I was "on top", I wasn't really the nicest of people. HAHAHA And I was actually planning on being nicer to everyone this semester. Well, I guess they don't want my friendship.
Actually, I think, when I was gone last semester, people started talking behind my back and exposed the things I said and did when I was still an undgrad. HAHAHA I know. My bad.

Also, I have this clique in AEA. People perceive this clique to be the "council of past/current/next presidents" of sorts. It's a very gregarious and opinionated group. Recently, everyone has just been making us feel how poorly they perceive us. I know we have this tendency to be frank and almost brutal people. I recognize that fact. But I just really find it extremely unfair that people just look at us in such a bad light. We have our own lives. Yes, we do talk about people, but for the most part we talk about things more relevant to us than your lives.

Third, apparently, AEA's still dying, at a faster right this time. Nobody goes to the room anymore. The projects are better handled, definitely. However, people just don't bother to help out anymore. Nobody cares. The block cliques are back. People are so uninspired. People think that it has become work. I can't elaborate. My point is that people are leaving AEA to die. Morale is so low. Apathy and pessimism is high.

Fourth, I'm giving myself 4 more weeks to win the Economics freshmen over. I dunno if I can do it. As i said, i just feel so unsure of myself. Why me? I think I'm capable and I'm one of the few who care enough to help AEA. The Freshmen are the hope of AEA. If I succeed, we might get back all the people we lost. HAHA I'll go to school on Monday just to attend an AEA event. I just hope Freshmen go! If not, I'd waste my day.

Fifth, I miss my blockmates. Ateneo's not just the same without them. I feel like i'm sticking out like a sore thumb. Everyone around me is "nice, safe, and sweet." That's not me. That's not my block. My block is honest, fierce, and fun. HAHAHA I am truly a member of my block. However, I am no longer with them. I need to, I guess, lessen my opinions so I can fit in better in their pseudo-real world.

Sixth, my friends are weird. I almost feel unwelcome. I feel such an outsider lately. I tried talking to one of them about it. For some reason, the conversation grew more and more awkward. It grew into a conversation about AEA shiz and how it is affecting me the dynamics of our friendship. I'm not from any of the batches left in the Ateneo. I'm an outsider looking in. I always have to be the one giving the extra effort to be part of something. For some reason, me reaching out feels unappreciated. I made it apparent to my friend that I can tolerate AEA's state. ( I never really did well with it anyway! HAHAHA). I was just simply scared of losing my friends, especially those who are dear to me.

And this was the reply I got:

"The best thing to do is to accept that things have changed. Once you've accepted it, everything will be easier."

ARE YOU SERIOUS? I just wanted to be assured that amidst all the shit happening in AEA/Ateneo that I can count on you to be my blanket of normalcy!!

Sucks that I have to end this week on such a bad note. And it also sucks that emotional stress weighs more than academic stress.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


One of my batchmates in Ateneo Economics died today. I dunno much of the details. Car accident, I heard. We were just talking about him last night in a bday party. When I woke up today from a nap, it was all over Facebook. I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. We weren't close. He was from the other block. We were just mere acquaintances. However, i felt my heart sink when I found out about the news.I was deeply affected.

I am scared. I really feel like death is slowly creeping up on me. Death has been becoming more and more of a reality. People "close" (by proximity?) to me are dying. Dad of classmates. Friends. Lolo. People close to me. When I was a kid, death did not feel like it was imminent. I knew it would happen but I sort of relegated it as a far future reality. Something I can disregard in the present.

However, recently, it is becoming an issue of the now. The death of my batchmate just made me realize how much time we waste on such trivial things. It's sad how much effort we put on dwelling on problems that are so inconsequential. Life does not end with one shitty day/problem. Life can end in an instant. And we should never take it for granted.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Random Shiz

I just woke up today and felt so evil(?). I realized how much different I am from whatever I was back in HS and the earlier parts of college. And it's kinda discomforting.

I feel like such an evil person. HAHA I haven't really been a good friend to people. I used to be pleasant (at least) towards others. I always wore that big smile. I was a friendly person. Recently, however, I dunno, I feel like something's changed. I'm more evil?

I think I've become the type to (a) prejudge people then (b) think if I wanna be their friend then (c) love 'em or shun 'em. Most of the time, I think (emphasis on think), I am a good judge of character. However, I now feel like I need to give everyone a chance.

Okay. My head is starting to have random thoughts like:
(a) I am kinda nice alone
(b) I up my evilness when I'm in my comfort zone/group
(c) I don't give people enough chances
(d) However, the current state, ironically, gives me more leeway and power (vague).
(e) I am, still, a controlling and scheming person. HAHA (Why did I just type that?)
(f) If you read this, ummmmmmm, let's stay friends, okay? HAHA
(g) It's really better to be my friend than my enemy.
(h) ^ That sounded so egoistic.

'Nuff said. Part of me wants to change.

Monday, September 6, 2010


I've always believed that I can always manage to get by. I can always do things that I want. I believed that I can.

Right now, gaaaah, I'm in the "everything-is-so-overwhelming" phase. Every little thing feels so major. Everything feels so heavy; so important. Every little decision seems so important. Examples: what time do I wake up, should I go out today, when will I do this, when will I do that, etc. Etc. I feel like I'm walking on really thin ice. I feel like one wrong move and everything will falter. Gaaaaah. I can't explain myself. I just feel lost. HAHA

Making a "wrong" decision now, would spiral to more "wrong" things happening. And that pressure (out of nowhere?) is mounting, for some reason. I don't want to make a wrong decision now that will cause more wrong things to happen.

Ugh. Life's so bleh lately. BLEH. I love this word. I just want a sense of normalcy and routine (This. Is. A. First.) back. HAHA

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Shit. I haven't blogged in a loooooong while. HAHA

Since it's been difficult (and tiring!) to look for a job, I am finally thinking about giving in to what my mom wants: more school. I've been searching online the past few weeks about programs and schools. I am so confused. Finally, I can admit, I dunno what to fucking do with my life. Will I be 063574 again? Or another school would be better? What am I going to take up? MA in Economics? Law School? Culinary School? An MA in something else??

This all started when I told my mom I had an interview for a company. "Just go to school next semester. You've already wasted a semester." Yes, I agree. HAHA School is the most feasible and practical thing to do coz (a) it's difficult to find a decent job and (b)I won't get paid well anyway. I think my allowance to school would be slightly less than what I'd be earning a day.

I dread going to job applications/exams/interviews. So when my mom told me that, I just decided that I'll stop looking for a job. HAHA This week, I've ditched 4 comapanies. Part of me knows that this is probably a flash in the pan. And that just makes me more confused.

More mind boggling shit:

The only school that will readily accept me next semester would be the Economics Department of Ateneo. I've looked at the curriculum and it seems, ummm, manageable? However, the thought of going thru Statistics and Metrics again is scaring the shit out of me. Though, part of me thinks that this just might be the perfect time to redeem myself. HAHA BUT, what if I don't? What if I suck at it more?

Law school. This is what my mom wants. But hello, this would be by June 2011! I've always wanted to be a lawyer until Junior year (?) when I just got so lazy and decided that more school would be bleh. AND, the fact that all the pressure from family that I be a lawyer just sucks. The rebel in me does not want to go law school just coz. But, in reality, I still kinda want it, I think. But heck, I don't like my parents/uncle/aunts/lolos/lolas (UMMMMM, everyone) telling me to go to law school.

I hate the fact that everyone's forcing me to go to law school just coz I knew as a child that I wanted to be a lawyer. It's like everyone's been conditioned to condition me to go to law school. That just sucks and I dunno why. HAHA Rebel me.

Culinary school seems fun! However, it's costly and I just dunno if I really want it. And I was looking at the app form, I need to take written exams and pre-school courses. WTF. I didn't know it's serious like that.

And, yeah, i forgot to tell you that the Economics Department will take me in no matter what coz I'm an alumnus. No exams/ shit. So it's really easy to get in. I dunno about the staying there.

And other MA's in other departments just won't accept me readily. I have to take the qualifying test and I might have to take extra non-degree classes which is soooooo bleh. It seems like I'm stuck in Economics if I decide to pursue an MA.

BUT! There's an MBA in the Professional Schools which takes in fresh graduates. I just don't know if they accept students during the 2nd semester. I'll call them up tomorrow to ask.

See? I dunno what to do with my life. HAHA And did I mention it's 4am? And that I always think about shit like this every night before I sleep. Not healthy.

And, I know Imma regret blogging about it tomorrow coz I know, by tomorrow, I've probably changed my mind again. Eeeeeeep. So indecisive. So unsure. So lost. I hate it.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Pre-Birthday Blues

HAHA. I dunno. I'm just scared to spend my birthday without a social construct aside from family. HAHA Must. Stay. Positive. hahaha

It feels weird. There's just not much to look forward to.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Shoulder Pains

My shoulder bone/joint popped out. I dislocated my right arm. Booooooo. Clumsy me. It was slightly painful. This is the 2nd time this has happened.

I had to push it back on to align it. Pain. Pain. Pain. Ouch.

Though, it's feeling better now.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


I feel such an accomplished commuter already. HAHA I’m no longer scared to commute. I now have the balls to take routes not so familiar to me. I now ride jeepneys and MRT’s/LRT’s on a regular basis without any apprehension.

I love the MRT. I still hate the fact that is sooooooooooo overcrowded. However, it makes commuting so much faster and easier. I remember the first time I rode one last year during rush hour. I was astounded by the number of people trying to get in. I lined up behind all those people assuming that’d we’d all get in. But no, 2 trains passed by and I was able to ride. I had to assert myself.

Now, I use my size as an advantage. I am such a bully in the MRT! HAHA However, PLEASE, people who ride the MRT, ummmmmmmmmm, take a bath often and don’t fart inside the train. And, I need to learn to focus. HAHA I’ve lost 2 MRT cards already onboard trying to stalk people. HAHAHAHA

On the other hand, I seriously don’t like riding jeepneys but they’re cheap as hell. The pollution, heat, and smell are so overwhelming. But, I just have to ride them to save up on money. Example: Riding a cab to the MRT station from our house in Makati would cost around 50php. Riding the jeep would cost 7php!

BUT, commuting is so tiring. It involves a lot of waiting and a lot of people. Also, germs, germs, germs are everywhere! Plus, haggardness is always a possibility. HAHA Therefore, always be ready for these. I’ve learned to bring alcohol every time I commute. Also, don’t forget to look mean and tough to ward off jejemons. HAHA

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I don't get why there's a water crisis in Manila! It's been raining pretty regularly lately. I heard in the news that the crisis is caused by too much water leakages thanks to broken water pipes or something. I've had enough of this water crisis! I'm going nuts already.

Wait, we do have water, btw. However, water pressure is too weak that it doesn't go up. It does not reach my room. My washroom does not have water. The faucets in it have not released a single drop since the storm. So that's roughly 6 days of being waterless. I have to fetch water all the way down from the basement. Ummm, 2 flights of stairs. Not easy at all. My arms hurt. SO, i use the water very, very, very wisely. HAHAHA

God, please let there be water. I appreciate it more now. I need it. I am tired of fetching for water. HAHA And, please help Maynilad/ MWSS fix their pipes. Thanks.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Being away from friends comes with a lot of difficulties. One of these: knowing when they're mad at you! Rarely do people tell you that they're mad/irritated/pissed at you. You won't know. You need to be extra-sensitive to figure it out. I rely on "patterns" to know when something is wrong. I know my friends so well that I know what to expect from them given certain circumstances. I don't wanna give too much details coz I don't want you to know if i'm checking our relationship. HAHA

The past week, I was involved in 2 misunderstanding. Amazingly, I detected them both easily. It's so difficult to talk to people when they're mad at you and you don't see him/her frequently. It's either you wait for a long time to meet the person and talk it through or you apologize through the wire.

I apologized both instances as soon as I confirmed it myself that something was wrong. The first one snubbed my apology and is giving me the cold treatment. I apologized twice already and I don't really mind anymore. It'll fix itself soon enough. The second one went well.

Right now, something is wrong with one my friend's pattern. I am not sure. Maybe i'm just interpreting it too much this time around. But hello, what did I do to you? Let me assume that you're just busy. Too busy to talk to me. Ouch.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Chasing a Dream

HAHAHAHA. What a stupid title.

After all the drama of job "waiting", i'm back to job hunting. I started sending out my resume again last week and I expect this week to be a week of interviews again. True enough, I got 3 calls already: IBM, Toyota, and the Canadian Embassy.

IBM was a lost call. They called me up on my mobile but I couldn't hear what she was telling me. She called me up on the landline. I still couldn't hear her. "Ma'am, I think something's wrong with your phone." She told me that she'd just email me the details of the interview. She never did!

Yesterday morning, Toyota called. I had an interview at 8.30am on Thursday. They called up so early. That phone call woke me up. I was certainly drowsy when they were talking to me. I even wrote the details on my copy of the Last Lecture. Poor book. I slept again after the call.

When I woke up I checked my mail. I had an email from the Canadian Embassy. I have an exam with them on Thrusday, 8.30am as well. Ummmmmmm, same time. And i dunno what to do. I'm too shy to call Toyota to resched but I also wanna pursue Toyota.

The Canadian Embassy represents a dream. (Whut?!) While Toyota represents practicality. (Whut?) HAHAHAHA I mean, should I pursue the Canadian Embassy when I know that the chances of me getting a job there is very slim. I will lose my chance at Toyota if I go to the Embassy but it seems more plausible that I get a job with Toyota.

But no, I will go to the Embassy still. HAHAHAHA

I'll try to call up Toyota now. That is, if I find the courage to. HAHA

Sunday, July 4, 2010

God Has A Plan

This post will not sound like I wrote this. HAHA

If I knew 4 months ago that I'd still be a bum by now, I would have entered a call center by then. 4 months ago I had a clear dreams: (a) work abroad and get the hell out of here or (b) find a job in Makati and get my own condo. Now, neither A nor B has happened. Sometimes, yes, I get frustrated, a LOT.

I wouldn't believe it if somebody told me that I wouldn't find a job in 4 months. 4 months ago, I wanted to look for work as an escape. I wanted that, as soon as I finish college, I'd start working already so that I can escape from what I expected to be a bitter transition to being nothing. Nothing. From something to literally nothing. I knew it would be a slow and painful transition. And no, this does not involve being org president or shit. This was about friendship(s).

I knew that, sooner or later, people would forget. People would not care. I would just matter less and less and less. Yes, partly, this is happening and, yes, it pains me that I see it unravel. I feel like my niche is slowly disappearing but that's just how the ball rolls.

However, things became better than I expected how things would happen. I expected much much worse. Those that mattered actually stayed. Though I sometimes feel that I am being replaced (well, coz i'm just crazy like that HAHA), for the most part, I know that I have a special place in their hearts. And that is very comforting. I need not escape. I am welcome.

I stopped looking for work 2 months ago. I thought I had HP in the bag coz they told me so. Now, I get zero replies from that bitch of an HR assistant. I gave up on HP so I started looking for work again last Friday.

Sometimes I am rattled by the reality of my situation. It just feels so fucking weird for Ateneans to have difficulty in looking for work but, that is reality. And yet, I am actually at ease with that reality at the same time. For what God has not given me yet (a job), He has given me more of what I really want: time (for family and for friends).

I will get work sooner or later. That's for sure. However, I never know how much time I have left with family and friends. I do not know how much longer I will matter in their lives.

Though, at times, I get sad over not being where I want to be (aka school, more specifically, AEA room HAHAHA), I just know that things will fall into place soon. And that all these times I spent being sad over that would just merely look stupid.

Just trying to look at the better side of things.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Future Love

Dear Future Love,

Right now, my mind's a mess. My heart's in chaos and is very much lost. However, one thing keeps me going: the thought of you.

Thinking about you excites me. I may not know you yet (or I may not know yet that you are the one) but you keep me inspired to be better. I wanna be a better person so that I may deserve you. I wanna be better so that I can be with you. I wanna be better so that I can make you happy.

I am excited to fall in love with you. I am excited to meet you. I can imagine how I'd be so oblivious of the fact that you are my one. I am excited to be inspired by you. I am excited to be finally be able to be with the person I love the most. I am excited to build my family with you.

I am scared though. What if I don't meet you? What if I don't find the guts to own up the what i'll feel? What if? What if? I am full of those. However, I do hope that when I see you and when I realize that I love you, I can go up to you and say exactly what I feel because it's just too much to contain.

I wonder where you are know. What are you doing? Are you thinking about the future as well? Have I met you yet? Were you just right next to me? Where did you study? When will we meet? Will it be love at first sight? When will I know? Where are you from? Who are you?

I can't wait for the day that I make you read this letter that I made especially for you. When that day comes, I know then that I am ready to settle down.

Even though I don't know who you are, I love you already. I've waited for you my whole life. I know you're worth the wait.

Sunday, June 27, 2010


I call this the new-rich syndrome. HAHA

My mom is a diva (especially to those below her.) We almost always argue about this. I hate it when she acts such a diva towards waiters/ maids/ drivers. I hate it most especially when these people are really nice and accomodating. I only act like a hustler (coz Beyonce says that nah-nah-nah diva is a female version of a hustler HAHAHA) when these people are rude.

Last Tuesday, my mom was sort of a diva when we were getting pizza at Eastwood.

"Hoy!" she called Manager.

"Mom! That's the manager!!!", I told her.

"Hayaan mo nga siya.", my mom replied.


"May condiments ba yan? Asan na yung condiments?!", demanded my diva mom.


I can't explain it well. I just hate it when people are snotty to people they know are below them.

Anyhoo, today I met a diva bigger than my mom. WATTA BITCH. My family was out for deenah when i met this diva. The instance I saw her face, I knew she was a diva. She was kinda pretty but she gave such a bitchy look.

"You told me 15 mins. It's been 15mins. Where's my food?!" Acceptable still.

Her food arrived. "Why are you so slow?! This is such a bad place." Getting a little irritating.

"Can you reply the plastic bag? Look at it! It's so oily!"

"Why did you take so long?! I'm never gonna it here again!"

I HATE DIVAS. I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up!!

Friday, June 25, 2010


Just got a call from an Agency. MYM Agency or something. I dunno where they got my contact details. Or it might have been a prank! HAAHA

"Hi. This is blah from MYM Agency. Blah blah blah. Are you still available for the position?"

"What position?"


"Sorry, what? Florist? I'm sorry. No. Bye."

On second thought, that might have been my ticket out of the Philippines. But, seriously, WTF? Florist? Ummmmmm, zero experience and WTF. Again, WTF? HAHA Oh, maybe my VIA experience counts. HAHAHAHA

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Block F 2010

There's nothing quite like you. HAHA

I went to school earlier to get my grad pics, return a borrowed book from a friend, and to tambay. The faces in school are freaking no longer familiar. HAHAHA Though, AEA people were still there to welcome me.

HOWEVER, if there's one thing I realized about going back to AEA is that it's just not the same without my blockmates. It was fun, yes, but it's just different. My block made AEA special. My block made AEA a happy place to be in. My block is the life of AEA. This is my biased opinion only! HAHA

My block ruled AEA. Yes, i still love those who remain in the Ateneo but my blockmates hold a special spot in my heart. They completed my Ateneo experience.

AEA's just not the same without my block.

(I watched the block vid I made that's why I miss my block! HAHA)

Thursday, June 17, 2010


It sucks to be met with lack of enthusiasm.

Just sayin'. HOHOHO

How uninspiring to try to hold things together. Magpapamiss nalang ako! Wait and see!

Anyhoo, excited for this weekend! YAY!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


HAHAHA. No more emo post for now!

I'm on a Martha Stewart (WTF?) mode today. My parents did not leave good food for me today. They left calamares swimming in its own ink (The usual filipino viand! I dunno what it's called) and fried fish. Booooo. I didn't want to eat either. Soooooo. I decided to cook my own food. HAHA Hassle!

1) Custard aka Flan

LECHE. Fail. I've been planning to cook it since I watched on TV how to cook it. It looked simple and i knew it tasted so damn good. It thought it was easy. BUT NO. The mixing part was easy. Mix egg yolks, condensed milk, milk, and vanilla. That's it. I did that pretty well. The hard part is the actually cooking. I dunno! There must have been a way to do it properly. The flan poofed up! :| It was not smooth and flat. I threw it away! Waste!

2. Thai Iced Tea
This one real easy to and yumm-o. It's just tea and condensed milk. I bet my version is a simplied version but it tastes divine! Yummy! HAHA

3. Calamares Rings
Looks easy but it took a LOT of effort to make. I didn't know that calamares have that much ink! I had to remove all that ink! I had to remove the squid's skin! I had to remove all the guts! I had to cut it into stips! I had to dredge it in flour, milk, and bread crumbs. And then fry it. Huzzle. And, I cheated. I used MSG. Ma-umami. HAHA

I fried it perfectly!! As in, goldren brown to perfection. HAHA It turned out fine! I say thanks to the MSG. HAHA

This is part of independent living. Cooking your own food. However, I had to wash all the dishes I used. I just felt like I had to.

5 plates
3 small bowls
2 small bowls
2 knives
3 spoons
2 forks
1 saucer
1 pot
1 frying pan.

I washed all of those. NOT. HAHA I only washed the plates and bowls. I got tired and left the rest for somebody else to wash. Hassle!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Everything Reminds Me of You


As in, everything.

Ever since, everything went downhill last week. I've been trying to keep myself busy! I just love you too much to forget you. Joooooke.


I cleaned my room up last Thursday. I threw away school files. (Yes, this is part of moving on. HAHA Though, I kept small items like name tags and tickets, which, I know, in a month or so would just end up as clutter!) I vacuumed my entire room. I swept my floor. I cleaned my washroom. I wiped all of my books clean of dust. GOD. My room is soooooo dusty. I've never inhaled so much dust my entire life. HAHA Looking back, I dunno why it took me the whole day. It doesn't really seem much. I don't remember much of Thursday. I must have slept early.

I cleaned my room up because: my cousins/ uncles/ aunts are coming over! The original plan was they were gonna sleep for a night at our house. Just one night. HAHA Fun fun fun. Well, for them. Me? I was mostly emo. Okaaaaay. Joke (I think.)! I'm basically tasked to "entertain" my kid cousins. I love kids.

Something's wrong with my head tonight. Again, I don't remember much about Friday. HAHA I just ate a lot. For real, we had dinner 3 times at 3 different places. Gluttons!! And, a lot of chismis. Ugh. I'm so part of this family. Chismis is love. I kid! I kid! HAHA

Saturday? More uncles/aunts/cousins arrive. And that's not necessarily a good thing. HAHA We went to another house for more food. And that's all I remember. OMG. Brain, what is wrong with you?

Today, I ate a lot again. That's expected. They've all gone home already! I thought they'd stay til Monday! Good thing they went home already! I'm getting tired already of taking care of their kids! Literally, I was zombie by 4pm. My mom even noticed it. She told me, "It's hard to take care of kids noh? Imagine we took care of 4 at the same time!" Point taken.

I've been busy the past days. And, yet, I constantly find myself quietly thinking about you. Everything reminds me of you. From the footbridges that we passed by (WEIRD). The malls we've been to. The people we've talked about. The food we've shared. The artists that we like. The songs that you hate. Banks. EDSA. Chinese people. Anime. Biscuits. K-Pop. Babies. Soda. Bags. Shampoo. Billboards. All of these and more reminded me of you. Practically everything.

I hope I get over you soon. I don't wanna flee anymore but there's no point in fighting for you. There won't ever be an us. One sight of you and my world goes tumbling down. And you don't even know.

I shouldn't have gone back to school. Why did you have to go to school too? Joke. I was the one who shouldn't have been there! HAHA I blame you, my friends, for making me go! HAHAHA I'm getting better though!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Last Sunday, a friend im-ed me if I knew where the Pasig Business Park is. No. I don't know where it is. I said I can check google maps to help them locate it.

And then, my friend told me that I should go with them. I was like "I don't know where it is." He insisted so that "you can see us!" He obviously knows that I miss them. I know he just missed me that's why he insisted (Conceited much HAHAHA). Hello? I don't know the place and I don't even drive. What can I possibly contribute to going there? HAHA But, still, I said yes.

Anyhoo, yesterday, using Google maps alone as my guide, we drove all the way to Pasig in search of that Business Park. We got lost bad. We reached Cainta for heaven's sake! HAHA I totally blame the streets; not us. hahaha. For more, the "Business Park" is not so business-y. It's located in a residential area! We finally found it soon enough. And we got fooled also by the people in that warehouse!

After getting the goods, we went back to school and had dinner (lunch for me!) and dessert along Katipunan. God. I missed Katipunan. But, in all honestly, i missed my friends more. I wanted to spend more time with them but we all had to go home. Actually, no, I didn't. But yeah. I really wished we spent more time together. They insisted however that I go to an AEA activity the following day.

That night. It all sank it. I got sad all over again about missing friends. I texted him that "I shouldn't be doing this. Going back to school and all. Nalulungkot lang ako e."

I was scared. I was apprehensive to spend more time with them. I knew I'd want more! I knew that I'd just be depressed all over again if I go. I knew that I'd just feel sad.

BUT NO, today, I went to the AEA activity and spent the whole time with them again.

And, as expected, I feel sad.

My question really is: When's the next time? I am, honestly, hoping soon but I'm expecting it wouldn't happen anytime soon.

When will I see you again?

When can I hug you again?

I just gave out lots of warm and long hugs because I knew I probably wouldn't see them in months or ever. Oh. The thought is scaring me. But, if I was able to do it the past 2 months, I can do it in the next months too!

Friday, May 28, 2010


I'm sick. I don't feel well. I hate it!

I only had a sore throat yesterday. It was uncomfortable but it was fine. I slept by 10.30pm yesterday! It was an obvious sign that I was sick! I usually sleep 3am(?) recently.

Today, i woke up with a fever. Boooo. So not fun! I had to ditch a family trip and stay at home coz I felt sick and lazy. Boooo.

Oddly, I want sweets. I am craving for anything sweet. My mouth just feels wrong! But i can't have sweets coz it'll make my sore throat worse. I hate being sick!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Impacting Lives

I was at school yesterday to meet up with some friends.

I was walking along the cafeteria when some stranger approached me. It was apparent that he was one of those ANI kids. There were a lot of them yesterday.

"Kuya Kris!"

I look around. I see him. I do not recognize him.

"Naaalala mo pa ba ako?", he asked.

"Ummmmm.. Hindi. San kita nakilala?"

"TD kid niyo po ako."

WOW. He introduced himself. I still don't remember him. Supposedly, he was one of my kids during TD Summer. He was Grade 5 back then. He's now a Junior in HS. I asked him how he was without really remembering who he was.

We parted ways and I tried to recall who he was. I finally did a few minutes later. He was that kid I usually picked on daily back then because his Math skills was a little behind. HAHAHAHA Sama!

It amazes me that he still remembers me. It feels good that I actually made an impact in his life that he still remembers me. I hope the same thing is true to those around me now.

Monday, May 17, 2010


At times...

Part of me wants you, part of me don't.
Part of me is missing you, part of me is gone.
Part of me is saying that the love is still strong,
Part of me is letting go.

So even though I left you
I can't forget you.
When I think about you
It's bittersweet.
Guess I'll always love you.

It's bittersweet.

It's a song, okay? Nuff said.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Block "Reunion"

Last night was the first time we've seen each other since Graduation. Though, I've seen some of them over summer for lunches/dinners, it was really a happy night.

Since I wanted to avoid Makati traffic and congestion, I went to there early at around 6pm. I met up with one of them who was off early too. We just went around Glorietta to let time pass. An hour or so later, more of my blockmates came.

It was undeniable that we missed each other. I actually saw how people's face lit up when we saw each other. Smiles were huge. Hugs were exchanged. It was a genuine moment of happiness. HAHA Emo?

We had dinner at Greenbelt and reminisced about college. It was more like remembering the stupid moments in college so we can mock each other. HAHA We were also trying to fix an out of town trip for the coming weekend. We finished dinner by 10.30pm.

We went to Eastwood to have some drinks but ended up playing bowling. I didn't know that the lanes were open til 2am(?)! They had a dj and drinks there too. And complete with disco lights and glow in the dark pins and balls. Coolness. I really had fun bowling though I totally sucked at it.

When I heard that one of my blockmates was sleeping over at another's house, I immediately called up my mom and asked permission to sleepover too. She agreed. Yipee! We left the lanes at 2am, i think.

We went to our blockmates house and just waited for time to pass. We talked about how friendships and the future. It was emo but very cathartic. HAHA By 6am, we left the house to have breakfast. By 7am, we were on our separate ways.

Ugh. I had so much fun!! I hope our plans for next week realize!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I Got the Job?

The question mark is for the slight doubt in me that I did. HAHA Let me explain why.

Two weeks ago, I got a call from Hewlett Packard. I didn't expect the call at all. I had my initial phone interview 3(?) weeks prior that. I just submitted my resume because a blockmate posted the email add of an HR person in our block yahoogroups. HP was a fallback.

Anyhoo, I did the interview two weeks ago. I did well. I was really friendly with the interviewer. I thought she was from HR. I found out after the interview that she was gonna be my boss, if I get the job. She's a chem double major from Ateneo. I even asked during the interview "Ummmm, why are you in HR? You're chem? o.O" HAHHA Stupid me.

Early this morning, I emailed the HR person coz my supposed boss told me to follow-up after two week. The HR person replied in the afternoon:

"You have passed the interview. Please wait for the call of HR regarding your application. Your papers are with them already and they star processing it."

So, for me it's not clear. HAHA My first face-to-face interview is supposed to be the last interview. It was a Fit interview. The boss will just check if you fit his/her team. But, if you don't fit his team, he'll forward you to another boss and so on. What if the HR person meant that I'm still in the pool and I'd just be forwarded? OR am I just over thinking?! HAHAHAHA I'm just not yet that comfortable to spread the news of my "job" yet but my friends are. It's all over ym and facebook. Not good if i didn't get the job pala! HAHAHAHAHA

I think I got the job already. I'm just waiting for the job offer. I hope it's good.So, there, I'm no longer a bum? Oh wait, I still am. I'd probably start working by June. I have a few more weeks of bumhood.

It feels good to have a "clearer" picture of your future.

Thank God!

Monday, May 10, 2010

YM etiquette

As you may know already, I’m forever invisible in YM. I’m only visible when I have to be and/or when I need to make a statement stat a.k.a. “parinig.” I just don’t like to be bothered by people that I am not close to. I just find it awkward trying to sustain the conversation. I just want to be bothered by people whom I like: people who know that I’m always invi.
Here are things that I notice about my relationship with YM:
1. I hate people who reply slowly.
2. I wanna be the the priority convo. HAHAHA Don’t talk to anybody else when you’re talking to me coz this leads to slow replies. And I just hate the feeling of not being the priority. HAHA Conceited much.
3. As much as I can, I try to talk to people one at a time. It makes the experience more pleasurable.
4. I love receiving “are you there?” and “invi?” messages.
5. If I don’t reply in YM, message me on FB! I don’t linger in YM.
6. I don’t like occasional invi people! HAHAHA I’m invi. You’re invi. How will I know you’re there? And it’s hard to look for people’s names in the contact list.
7. I hate trying to sustain conversations.
8. I don’t know how to say goodbye properly. Sometimes I make up things just so I can go ahead. Sometimes I’m just blunt and say “Okay. This convo is getting contrived! Talk to you soon!” Or sometimes I just don’t reply anymore. But I hate doing that to people who are really courteous and say goodbye properly.
9. I don’t know when “away”, “busy”, and “DND” are for real so I totally disregard them if I really like the person I’m going to talk to.
10. For some reason, people reply less when you have conferences. And I always end up being the one who tries to sustain it, which I hate.
11. YM group meeting never work. At least, I’m done with this. HAHA
12. A “haha” reply with nothing accompanying it is a sign of dying/ dead convo.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


To got corpo or not corpo, that is the question. BV. I entertained the idea of not going corpo again. I dunno why I keep on doing this. I dunno but I just feel like not going corpo is my calling. By not going corpo, it means a whole lot of things, okay?

If I got corpo, the money is there. If i don't go corpo, the happiness is there. BUT, money can buy me happiness. HAHAHA I am so torn. My heart tells me to not go corpo but my gut is telling me to go corpo.I know my parents won't like (not necessarily disapprove) if I ever don't go corpo.

Oh Wedenesday, be nice to me. Give me the job. Send me all the good vibes this week. God, bless me with all the powers. HAHA

I'm just waiting for whichever comes first.

Friday, May 7, 2010


This is what this blog is all about, according to wordle. I agree.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


I've been feeling positive the whole week. Oddly enough, I haven't gone out of the house since Sunday. I think I'm going nuts. HAHA. I'm too lazy to go out.

Anyhoo, yes, I've been feeling positive lately. There just seems to be so much to look forward to and be excited about. This is weird. haha

1. Relationships
Friends have been great. I feel like those that I love the most are sticking up with me. We may not see each other anymore as frequently as before but they're exerting effort to communicate. I am, too. Relationships with friends just seems so healthy. Though, I miss them terribly.

2. Family
I haven't been this close to my cousins ever. Thank Facebook or thank the baby. Yes, i think the baby has been reason enough for us to see each other. I've spent the past 3 of 4 weekends with them. And it feels like we're on the same page for some reason. We actually send messages now and shit. Well, as some of you know, I'm very, very, very quiet at home. I rarely talk. So when we have family gatherings, I'm usual quiet. However, things are changing. And it seems like I'm the star of the show. Joke! hahaha

3. Baby # 2
One of my cousins is pregnant and will give birth in 2 months. I'm excited for another baby! I love playing with babies. Super fun. However, she's gonna give birth in Marikina. HAHAHA I've been mocking my blockmates about Marikina because "it's so provincial." All of my cousins and I were born in Makati. It's weird that she gonna give birth in Marikina. But the baby daddy's decision is for my cousin to give birth there. Anyway, they say it's a good hospital. Haha My issues are so superficial! HAHAHA

4. American Twang
My cousins/pamangkins from the States are coming home next month. Due to the recession, they won't stay in a hotel anymore. HAHA Joke! They're gonna live with us for a month. No problemo. We have space. haha. I'm really excited to see one of them. I'm really close to her. We've been emailing each other since her last visit. I got an email last week asking what I wanted from the States. I said that I didn't want anything. I have a lot of things in mind but she's 13. She doesn't have money. Never mind! hahaha Though, she threatened me that she will "bug me by emailing me constantly until I tell her what I want." Cute!

5. Job Offer
I've been anxiously waiting for my job offer from the company I want. C'mon please. HAHA They told me to wait for 2 weeks. It's been a week and a day since then. And I'm super anxious already. I have to wait for another 6 days. Please get me! I'll be worth every penny!!!

God, give me this one! :D

Oh. I just can't help but smile! Ako na ang thinking positive.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I Miss You

I haven't really been emo lately. And, no, i don't think this is an emo post. HAHA

I just miss all of you. My heart sank when I saw a picture of us. It reminded me so much of you. I miss you. That pictured trigged this.

Facebook/ Ym isn't just enough! HAHA

But, i know, this is just a phase. Once I start to get busy, I start to forget. I start to move forward. An opportunity that I like seems plausible right now. I, hopefully, have work by next week. Give me a good job offer!!!

This one seems to be the right one right now. I hope they get me! It just feels right. I have asked permission already from my mom that if they get me, I'd sign immediately. They agreed! Yay! For more, for some reason, I have already told my cousins and aunts that I'd love to work there. And everybody seems okay with it.

Please give me a good job offer. Please give me a job! HAHA

I need a distraction. Joke!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Opportunity Lost?

I should have decided earlier that I wanted this! They stopped accepting applicants last week supposedly. But they said that I can ask the boss to accept my application since the interviews begin this week. However, I find that super unprofessional. I dunno but I might actually try it tomorrow.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I talked to a blockmate last Monday about me wanting to teach at the Ateneo. Not Economics certainly! I want to teach Filipino in the HS. If that fails, I'm willing to teach TD (HS "Economics"). It has been bothering me the whole week.

I know you're thinking "huh? him teaching?" HAHAHA. Yes, I've blogged about this before already. And I know I am not that smart. But it's just HS. hahaha. And, i think, I've made such a good name in the HS that credentials wouldn't even matter. Seriously. (Conceited-much?! HAHA).

I want to teach. I want to be in front of the class blabbering about life. I want to inspire. I feel like its my passion. I want to help. However, the the fear of such naughty and sometimes rude Ateneans scares me. I know some Ateneans are rude and disrespectul. And I'm scared that what if things just don't work out. What if I just don't like the my classes? HAHA

Then on Wednesday, Fr. RB's posted this status: "Teacher Openings at the Ateneo High School: P.E. (Foundations: Health and Fitness), Physics, English and Filipino. Call 4265914 or email<> for details."

It got me more interested to know that there are actual vacant slots to be filled. I actually emailed that address to ask what the requirements are. HAHA However, the email address does not work. It's God's sign. Joke! haha

Then on Thursday, news about a HS friend become a teacher in the HS came out. People were talking about it. I got jealous, actually. hahaha. But no, I don't think I wanna teach just now. Maybe in the future.

Today, I was thinking about it again. And I think I just found my solution to this dilemma. hihihi. It got me excited. So excited that I actually texted and emailed people if what i'm thinking about is still viable. I'll keep this "solution" a secret first. I don't wanna jinx it! HAHA

This "solution" actually has been an opportunity for months now. I didn't want to take it for some reason before. But now, I think this is it. If it's still available, I'm going to take it.

Swear. I think, right now, if things work out this will the best case scenario. However, this does not invovle Makati. Sadness. My independence might be at risk with this "solution" but I think this will keep me happy. And, I dunno, I actually imagine myself actually being happy and contended with doing this "solution." I think doing corporate shit would just make me really competitive and moody. And unhappy and tired at the and of the day.

God, I hope this is it!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Things I Do For Friends

I'm doing something I thought I'd never do my entire life. HAHA Though, I'm enjoying it but it beginning to be taxing. But, I'll stick to it. I'm doing this for a friend. HAHA. You have no idea what we're/I'm doing! Craaaaaazy! Revengeful much.

See? I willing to do anything for my friends. I love my friends. Just text or pm me and I'll be there. hihi

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Color Quiz

I took this test online. I was astonished by the results. HAHA This is probably unscientific but the results are accurate! If you've reading my recent posts, you'll see the similarities!

Your Existing Situation
Works well with others. Needs personal relationships which are understanding and relatively conflict-free.

Your Stress Sources
"Wants the freedom to follow his own heart, goals, and dreams and to earn the respect as a unique individual. Desires to pursue every possible opportunity without limitations or things standing in his way."

Your Restrained Characteristics
Current events leave him feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

"Although he is able to find contentment through sexual activity, he feels hopeless to change his problems and difficulties and continues to make the best of what he has."

Current events have him feeling forced to make bargains and put aside his own desires for now. He is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Very active imagination and may be prone to fantasies and daydreaming. Always dreaming of interesting and exciting things to happen to him. Is a charmer and wants to be admired for that.

Your Actual Problem
"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give him more freedom and less obstacles."

Your Actual Problem #2
"Feeling unimportant in this current situation, and is looking for different conditions where he will be able to better prove his worth and importance."

The actual problems and stress source are spot on. Hello, i wanna be independent drama. HAHA Hello, moving forward drama. HAHA

Never mind the sexual activity, though! NOT TRUE. hihi

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Family of Quinn Fabray's and Noah Puckerman's

If you don't watch Glee, you wouldn't understand the title. HAHA. Anyhoo, Quinn is a character in Glee who was impregnated by Puck/ Noah out of wedlock.

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I saw my cousins today. I already have 2 nieces from that side of the family. And another one is on her way. And all 3 of them are products of premarital sex.

1st niece is probably around 15(?) already and the last time I saw her was like 7 years ago. I've only seen her twice. She lives in Pampanga. His father is my cousin, Cousin A. Family A is the holy/prayerful type. They're Christians and go to mass regularly. They give us one-on-one session if they found out something wrong that we did. They pray us over. They think they're perfect. (Obviously, I don't like them. They're so pretentious! HAHA)

I can't imagine how they reacted when they found out about my cousin's child! I was like 6 then. The rumors started spreading. Up to now, some of my cousins and uncles/aunts don't know of the child. The kid now lives with the mother. My cousin and the mother have been separated for 12 years now. So much for perfection?

2nd niece is the one who celebrated her 1st birthday a while ago. She's the daughter of NOT-so-known-celebrity. My cousin and NOT-so-known-celebrity have been living together for like 4 years already until the pregnancy.

Cousin B is also a product of wedlock, by the way. She lives with my aunt but is actually the daughter of my uncle, the brother of my mom and my aunt. Crazy, right? Cousin B has a sister who lives with another aunt. Crazy!

Oh, Cousin B ran away 6 years ago. We didn't have any form of communication until my aunt, the one who took care of her, got cancer. She's better now.

Anyhoo, we all expected Cousin B to have a baby soon enough. She lives with NOT-so-known-celebrity so they're obviously having sex. BUT, when we found out the pregnancy, everyone was okay EXCEPT family A. The perfect Christians. And they even questioned the Cousin B's decision to keep the pregnancy a secret coz of NOT-so-known-celebrity's career. Ummmmmm, hello, 1st niece is not known to some of my cousins and uncles/aunts! Pretentious!!!

Now, 3rd niece is on her way. She's the daughter of Cousin C. She is 7 months pregnant. She'll give birth by July. Her boyfriend knocked her up. Cousin C was there at the party. Everybody knows that she's pregnant but they tried to hide it. 5 months ago she was hospitalized for having "UTI." Yeah right. 3 months ago my dad spilled to news to all of us. My dad is such a gossip monger!

Again, Family A does not approve of the pregnancy. None of them were talking to Cousin C a while ago! HAHAHA

It's so interesting, right? HAHAHA It's so hard to explain! My point is, the number products of premarital sex is increasing! Safe sex!


Today was my niece's 1st birthday. Her birthday is a BIG deal for us coz she's the 1st apo of my tito's and tita's that they actually see. I got another niece. She around 15(?) already and the last time I saw her was like 7 years ago. I've only seen her twice. Anyhoo, the part was at 4pm. Ended by 6.30pm.

We then proceeded to our Makati house to have dinner. More food, i know, a little weird. HAHA. I dunno but recently I've been enjoying my time with my cousins. I ain't perfectly close to them back then. However, recently, I think, things are changing.

Dinner ended by 11pm. My family decided to bring my cousin and her child (my niece) to their home. By 12mn, we were already at the Fort on our way home. We got a call.

"There are two people outside my door. OMG! OMG!" Call ends.

We were panicking like shit when my mom got that call. We tried calling her up again. She wasn't picking up. We decide to go back to Makati to check up on her.

There was two people who knocked on her door. "Are you *state the name of my cousin*?", they asked her.

"Yes", she replied.

"We're from ABS-CBN. We just want a short interview with you. That's the daughter of *state name of NOT-so-famous-celebrity*, right?!", they asked her. They had a camera on and taking a video of her.

"I don't know him!", my cousin replied and shuts her door.

She peeped thru the door hole. They were still there. They were taking a video of her door. She looked through the window. There were two more people taking picture of her unit. After a few minutes, they left.

Eventually, we found out that those people asked around. They asked my cousin's neighbors and the guard if NOT-so-known-celebrity passes by. WHO CARES? And, obviously, a neighbor spilled the "news" to the media. They actually waited for my cousin to be at home. Remember, she was out the whole day preparing for my niece's birthday party. Thank God those paparazzi didn't go to the party. NOT-so-known-celebrity's mom was there.

Okay. That was seriously creepy. Yes, my niece is the daughter of that NOT-so-known-celebrity! He is not known! We rarely see him on TV. He's no Piolo. He visits my niece once a month. I am not even sure if my cousin and him are still together. He didn't even bother giving his last name to his daughter to protect "his career." What career? HAHA.

I never thought my family would ever encounter paparazzi. I mean, seriously, when my cousin got knocked-up, they made her leave the condo unit that she and NOT-so-known-celebrity. They were together for years. When he was absolutely unknown, she was there already.

It's really irritating. Who cares if NOT-so-known-celebrity has a child already?! Nobody cares!

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Glee's back from a midseason hiatus. I've anticipated this since December. Though, it was underwhelming, it hit me. I felt like the episode was talking about me. The episode is about moving forward and letting go of your baggages. And, hopefully, in the process, you find yourself.

1. Rachel to Finn who just broke up with her:
"I’ll tell you who you are. You’re a scared little boy. You’re afraid... coz you think it might hurt your reputation. I just see you for who you are. Unlike you who can only see me as this silly.. And that is where you lose coz if you take a second to look at me, you’d realize that I’m the only person in your life who knows you and accepts you for who you are. No matter what."
* For YOU. Yes, you. Well, not really you. The other you. You. HAHAHA. Moving on...

2. New coach to Mr. Schue:
" You need to take some time to reintroduce yourself to yourself. It seems to me you need to take a little breather."
* I do. My life's feeling a little cluttered and chaotic. I'm finding it hard to breathe or a reason to do so. Joke! haha

3. Kurt to Rachel, the star of Glee:
"Everyone’s replacable. Even you."
*/wrist. HAHA. Yup. That's the fact. That's the fact. Heck, i'm seeing/saw it unfold right in front of me. And I've done this, unfortunately, to others.

4. Emma, breaking up with Mr Schue:
"I think that you need to spend time alone. I do. I think you need to get know yourself… "
* Yeah, i know, okay? I'm trying to be independent of others. I'm trying to find me despite of/ without you.

5. Mr. Schue in reply to Emma:
"I guess I’m just not good at being alone. And realizing what my own needs are."
*Coz right now I only one need, YOU. I kid! I kid!

Seriously, this is not an emo post. HAHA. I'm just trying to poke fun at myself. And contrary to expected, I wasn't emo yesterday nor today. I was a bit bored but my movies helped me get through it.


Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I thought the distance would make me care less. I thought I would start to forget. I thought I won't remember you anymore. I thought I'd notice you less. I thought I would no longer be affected.

But no, you still have me at the palm of your hands without you even knowing it. One word from you shatters my walls. One smile and my fences open. Here I am at your disposal.

Here I am waiting. Here I am affected by everything you do. Here I am, trying to break free, and failing miserably. Here I am waiting for you to say "hi" and everything would seem okay again for now. Here I am being pathetic. Here i am wondering about what you're doing. Here I am trying to stop thinking about you. Here I am going emo. Fuck the shit that you have so much control over me and you don't even know it.

Gaaaaaaah. I'm such a weakling! FUCK.

Give Me A Job

I had an interview today at 9am in Makati. I was still in QC by 8.20am. I was terribly late and haggard when I arrived at BPI.

My interview a while ago got me depressed. I dunno. I just feel like I didn't do well enough. I did okay. But somehow I feel like it just wasn't good enough. The questions put me off. I didn't expect such questions. HAHA And the interviewer was bitchy. My plan was to be all perky and friendly. But no, I tried and she didn't respond. Back to "I am a leader" mode. BV.

However, at the end of it, i saw "some" light. "You should try the MT Program. What do you think?", she asked. "Yes, that's actually one of my options." And she explained stuff. I dunno if that's a good sign. The Management Trainee position is better than my original intended position. I dunno! I'm just confused now. I just want a job. hahaha

I was so disheartened I went home immediately after. Lord, surprise me please.

Monday, April 12, 2010


I went to San Mig a while ago for an examination. I ditched IBM coz I was too sleepy. After the exam, my dad fetched me. We're going to fetch my sister in UP. We arrived 5.15pm. She suddenly texts us that she'll be out by 6pm. Ugh.

I decided to go out of the car and walk around. There was a point in the day that I felt that God was playing tricks with me. I'd rather not discuss why. In honestly, up to now, I still feel so coz the coincidence(s) are too epic to be coincidences. Anyhoo, I found myself walking around the Sunken Garden. I decided to sit. It was so peaceful, surprisingly. I thought it would be noisy and chaotic coz of all of the jeepneys passing by.

I sat on a tree root and put out my iPod to listen to emo music. I was watching the people live their lives: couples snuggling, friends playing frisbee, families playing ball. It was really peaceful. I felt really at ease. The strong breeze helped me feel comfortable.

It was such a beautiful time to reflect. Where will life lead me? What will happen next? What now?

Suddenly, something dropped from the sky to my arm. I thought it was just a leave or tree bark. Nope, a bird decided to poop on me. Reflection fail. HAHA

Saturday, April 10, 2010


I need a distraction. My thoughts are bothering me again. I dunno. I just still feel disheartened. I'm craving. I'm missing. I'm wanting. Blah.

The coming week will be a good distraction, actually. I have interviews lined up. IBM and San Miguel on Monday and BPI on Tuesday. Yeah, i'll ditch Megaworld. And if things go right I'd have more interviews in the following days. I hope so. I want a job already. My trick now is to be pa-humble and witty. I think I've been overconfident during my past interviews. HAHA

Also, it's my niece's on Saturday. I am not part of planning it but it's a really big deal for us. It's just her 1st. It's a good distraction. And usually when we have parties and stuff, all my tita's sleepover at our house. More distraction.

I'd just also probably go out with my block this week. I haven't seen some of them in 2 or 3 weeks. It's due that we see each other soon.

Plus, Glee's back. That provides a little glee. I'm excited for the new episodes!

Actually, I'm planning to move to Makati by Monday. By "move", I mean, live there. I dunno for how long. Depends on work. Not final yet if I'll push through with this but for sure my parents would be okay with it. One con that i'm looking at is that there's no net in that house and that i'd have to leech off net from Gloria Jean's. HAHA I'll just decide tomorrow.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Moving Forward

I treated a couple of friends to lunch today. It's sort of my post-grad treat coz they attended my grad. It's the "purest" happy I've been in a long while. Being with them was just such a joy. I don't know how to explain it well. I just felt really at ease, happy, and loved. There was no doubt in my mind that I belonged with them.

I spent roughly 10.5 hours today with them. It seems a lot but I just can't help but ask for more. I guess, as usual, I'm experiencing "the fall" right now. Every time I am happy for a certain period, my mood will crash and just want more. And the uncertainty of the next time we'll see each other is scary.

I guess the past days have proven to me why I'd actually miss the undergrads more than my blockmates. Certainly, I love my blockmates. However, it is easier to contact them and they are more accessible because we are all aiming for the same "market." We're all Makati-bound and it's really not difficult to see each other there. Just the other day I saw one of them with almost minimal effort. However, meeting the undergrads just entails a whole lot more planning (?). And i dunno why! HAHA

In all honesty, part of me hates the fact that I've still got my other foot firmly set on the Ateneo. I can't find the heart to leave it. And seeing them today just made me realize how much I'd fucking miss them. How can I move forward if I keep on going back?

It's ironic that I want to see them but, at the same, I don't want to see them so we can all move forward. However, the former, certainly, is more powerful right now.

I had a conversation with some blockmates 2 weeks ago over lunch about why I didn't visit school during my free 2 weeks before graduation. They expected that I'd be the one who'd go to school everyday even though I no longer had classes because I love the undergrads so much. They started questioning me why I was "avoiding" them.

No, I wasn't avoiding them. I just really needed to find the courage to let go. And that I should find peace with the reality that I will no longer see them constantly and that the dynamics of our relationship would just never be the same after this summer. It's scaring the shit out of me.

Wait, maybe I really have been avoiding them. The whole being invisible in ym and pretending to be not there. The pretentious coldness. The uninspired replies. The whole thing with avoiding going on FB. All that drama. Fuck. I just want to separate myself slowly. But no, just one text message from them, no matter how silly, melts my heart and brings me back to square one.

One of my blockmates defended my decision not to "frequently" see my undergrad friends in the Ateneo anymore. It's about letting go and moving forward. From now on, I do not have to be part of everything that's happening in your life. I need not know all that's happening. I am now an outsider. And that's the fact. I cannot expect you to tell me all the things that is happening in your life. And I certainly cannot do the same to you.

"Are you not scared that, in a few months, you won't know them anymore? And that all has changed and been lost?", another queried.

"No. I'm confident that nothing will change. That when we see each other again someday, we'd just be happy and pick up from we left off." I answered "confidently." But that's was lie. I'm so scared that I'd be replaced. I'm scared that in a few months I'd be a complete outsider. But I guess it's a reality that we all have to face soon.

Faith. That's the only thing I can hold on to. The future isn't sure. We do not know what's ahead of us. And though I still want to be part of your future, I do not know if it's plausible. I just have to believe that we can take off from where we left off when we see each other again. And that's the best case scenario, i guess.

God! I hope you're all reading this so you can understand what's going on in my crazy mind.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Job Interviews

I got 3 calls today from 3 companies: Megaworld, IBM, and San Miguel. Happiness.

Busy week next week. haha. Monday will be IBM Test in the morning and San Miguel in the afteroon. Tuesday will be BPI interview in the morning and then Megaworld in the afternoon. Megaworld already "rejected" me for one position so I really don't know if I'll even bother going there.

I hope to get a job before the month ends!

Monday, April 5, 2010

No Signal

My phone has not had signal since Wednesday. I didn't really care to bother since it was Holy Week and people rarely text during that season. I was planning to get the SIM card replaced by Monday, today.

Last night, I was checking the web if Globe actually replaces SIM cards. A read in a forum that they rarely do and that it depends on the stock of the cards. I was already planning how I'd attack their office today if they wouldn't replace my card. I wanted to be sure to retain my number because: (a) That number is the one I used for all the CV i sent out to companies and (b) huzzle to contact people.

My plan was "brillant": (a) All english, (b) Look pissed, (c) "How come you do replace SIM cards for postpaid users and not for prepaid?! This is discrimination!", (d) "I'm willing to pay thousands of pesos just to retain my number!", (e) "Call the manager!"

However, only plan A was needed. They had stocks for my kind of card and they replaced it immediately. HAHA Thank God!

Anyhoo, today's such a nice day. I got a text that really made me happy. Super. HAHA And, I got a call from HP. Interview, baby. Yay!

BPI on Wednesday! I shall make a career out of doing interviews. Wish me luck! I bet this week will be awesome!

Friday, April 2, 2010


The uncertainty of my future is freaking me out. It is just scary. I don't know where I'm heading. I don't know where I'll work. I don't know what's going to happen to me. One thing's for sure: I'll end up with a job sooner or later. It all depends where.

I've been wanting to leave the country and get employment somewhere else. To grow and be independent, I say. Yes, i still want that. That still is what I desire. However, the chances of it happening now is bleak. I've been trying to contact employers abroad by myself. However, bleh. haha. I've studied all the processes and requirements, I need to find me an employer first before I apply for a work visa. No employer, no work visa. I can't just go there and start looking for a job. By there, I mean anywhere but here. HAHA

The likely thing to happen is that I get a work here. It's scary that I don't have an offer yet. I've gone to a few companies but no offers yet. Scary. And my mom's been bugging me to join a multinational. Asa much. I want to work already. Give me work! haha.

I'll focus on getting a job this coming week. I don't like being a bum. I don't like not doing anything. As they say, the idle mind is the devil's workshop. And, oh boy, the devil is stimulating emoness. HAHAHA

If I don't get a job by April, I'll kill myself. I kid. haha

Monday, March 22, 2010

Last Week

This week is officially the last I'm gonna spend in Ateneo. I'm going to get my toga tomorrow and have lunch with my blockmates, i think. I bet tomorrow's gonna be fun. Wednesday is claiming of yearbook and BlueRoast Day. I'm really excited to see the yearbook. I bet it looks great! Though, I'm not really excited about BlueRoast. I mean, I haven't really thought about whom to give the Blue Rose to. haha. Friday is Baccalaureate Mass.

Saturday is the day. Graduation day. I don't know what to expect. I know for sure though that I'm gonna be sad that day. I want to spend that day with family and friends. I hope they go. I wanna see them for the "last" time.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Job Hunting

I just wanna share my job hunting experiences. haha

TNS Research

It's a survey and market research shiz. They made me take tests for 5 hours. And told me that they'd schedule me an interview and that i should just wait for their call. No calls yet. BV. I know for sure that I'd pass that series of tests. I don't really wanna work there anyway.

I'm done with the final interview. They told me to wait for a call. I got a call. "Can we invite you for your initial training already?" I said that my last interviewer told me to wait for her call. The one talking to me just said "Oh. Okay. Let's wait for that call." I never got the call. What's up with that? I'm so sure I did well in my final interview. Maybe the 20,000php initial pay that i was asking for threw them off. Or maybe my interviewer, who'll be my boss, if ever, was threatened. Joke. haha

Their HR called me up to invite me for an interview. I said yes but ditched it eventually. They called again. I lied and said that I already have an offer. She told me to reconsider and go to the their interview first coz "the manager really wants to meet you." I went there and just too the test. No calls yet. BV.

Companies that I've ditched: Thompson Reuters, Marina Sales, and Asiawell. I ditched them coz I know I wouldn't wanna work there anyway.

I'm gonna start hunting again. I "rested" for 2 weeks and now I'm back.

KFC this Monday. I hope I get a job already.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


I miss going to school. I miss being in school. I miss everyone in school.

I am currently a bum. I sleep til 10am and do all sorts of shit til I sleep by 12mn. Most of my time are spent on movies and facebook. I need to do more productive stuff.

I've been trying to apply for jobs the past 2 days. Jobstreet's currently useless for me. I've rejected most of the companies that are listed in jobstreet. Yes, i rejected them. They gave me a call and I pretended that i already have an offer. I did that because I don't want to bother to show up for the interview when I know that I just don't wanna work there. Or work here actually.

Yes, I still want to work abroad. I guess, the bumming around the past week has just fortified my desire to work abroad. I'm just gonna miss the people too much. And I might as well "cut" the ties from now on. I think it's gonna help me. I hope it will.

Oh God, help me find work abroad. HAHA

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Here I Am

My thoughts exactly:

Here I am playing with those memories again
And just when I thought time had set me free
Those thoughts of you keep taunting me

Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew
Though each and every part of me has tried
Only you can fill that space inside

So there's no sense pretending
My heart it's not mending

Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh, baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without you

On my own I've tried to make the best of it alone
I've done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain

I just can't live without you
I miss everything about you

Just when I thought I was over you
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without
Go on without
It's just no good without you

Without you, without you, without you
Oh baby, those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without, you.

Ouch. HAHA

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Grades Are Out

Yay! I'm DL! HAHA. Happiness. This is my 2nd palang. Pathetic! HAHAHA

3 B+'s, an A and a B= 3.5.

Good sem for academics! At least I end my college academic life on a high note. Though, my cumulative QPI is pretty low. How sad.

Bad sem for friendships. :O

Monday, March 1, 2010


This sem is a good sem for me, in terms of academics.

The lowest possible i can get here is a B. I'm happy with my B but hopefully I get a B+. It's possible and i'm hoping for it. I had a good prof, Sir Lib. He's really funny and did not stress me out during orals.

The grades have been released already. I'm getting a B+. I hate this class and the prof!

Fr. David is a good. I'm hoping for atleast a B but I don't really know coz he supposedly guesses our grades.

Chinese Film
I'm expecting a A. Of the 4 papers, I've gotten 3 A's already. The 4th paper has yet to be graded. And I have a bonus A paper because I attended a film showing. So sure A! Yay!

I think I'll get a B+. I'd be disappointed if I get a B!

DL sem, i hope.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


Yes, I'm practically done with college. I still have one paper to submit tomorrow but I consider myself done. I had two orals exams yesterday: philo and theo. The theology orals went well. I was really calm and I think I explained my points well enough. I also answered the follow-up question relatively well.

The philosophy orals was bad but I still got a B. I wasn't able to answer the questions of the teaching assistant well. I hate that teaching assistant. My professor gave really easy questions. It alsmost felt like a job interview. however, that teaching assistant gave questions regarding the readings for the semester. FAIL. It's okay. I still got a B. haha

I dunno what to do now. I don't have anything productive to do. Wait for an emo post soon.

Monday, February 15, 2010


I'm experiencing a different level of laziness! I don't want to wake up in the morning to go to school. Everything feels so irrelevant. Everything feels not worth going to school to! I hate it. My body feels so heavy. The bed just wants me to stay there. Sleep feels so good.

The worst part is... I haven't been doing anything "tiring" so I have no reason to stay asleep for a long time. I'm just really lazy.

I hate this. I need to spend more time in school to be with people.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Yes, the past week has been crazy. There was a fight everyday the past week. CRAZY. What is happening? We only have 2 weeks left and we're gonna spend it like this?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Start of the End

The idle mind is the devil's workshop.

I've been worried about since Monday about what to do on Thursday and beyond. I submitted my philo paper on Thursday. After that, i have nothing do. And, since Thursday, I've been sad.

The reality of my impending departure from the Ateneo has hit me. I'm scared. I'm sad. I really don't want to go. I have everything I want now. I have everything I need. I'm contented here. But, I have to leave all of these behind. I have to start from the bottom all over again.

I know the next few weeks are going to be bumpy. I'd probably be sad the next few weeks.

I've been looking back. And I can honestly say that the past 4 years, no matter how emotionally unstable I was, were the best times of my life.

I just hope that the labor force will be kind to me. hah

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

YES Panel Meeting

It's similar to a thesis defense. You have 10 minutes to present everthing that has happened in AEA the past year. And defend everything that has happened. You have 50 minutes to do so.

I think we did well. The written report wasn't as good as hoped but the panel meeting went well. We were able to defend everything well. Nothing was bad, i think. Way better than I expected because none of us were ready. haha

Good job! I hope AEA gets an A!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Thesis: Done

Well, not yet but almost. We're ending on such a whimper. No stress. No fights. HAHAHA We're done with regression. We're not even meeting up tonight to do it. We're just writing down the final analysis of results and all. No stress. YIPEEEEEEEEEE.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Thesis is going no where. We only have 3 independent variables left. The original model had 4. WE dropped 1 already.

After running the regression, only 1 variable is significant. We've tried all remedial measures. The only thing left to do is to drop the two other but that would leave us with only 1 variable.

FART. Is Econometrics really necessary for Economics? HELL NO. Economics is such a pseudo-science!

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Hell weeks. Fuck. The coming weeks would be absolutely hell-ish.HAHA

This week:

Thesis 1st draft
We worked on it the whole weekend. We have yet to regress. We still need data. We're gonna die. Due Thursday. FUUUUUUUCK.

Praxis POTAHness
Our professor got so mad last week coz the French guy and German girl were fucking noisy. "Are you dumb?!", he asked them. HAHAHA. BUT NO, we're all affected. Because of that incident, he gave us extra readings and we'll have individual exercises every session (to make us listen in class more BULLSHIT)!

RenaiSOSS Week
Be in at least 1 SOSS activity per day. Party on Friday. Be at the org booth the whole week. Make people go to the activities. Unnecessary stressssssss.

Next Week
OSA Year-End Panel Meeting
1 hour to defend the org. I haven't even started to think about our presentation. Must do well in this. It's 25% of the final org grade. When will I have the time to do you??

Immersion Outline
7 page outline of our immersion presentation. What is that's like the whole report already??? It's 25% of our grade too. Bummer. We haven't even started "interpreting" our data.

Fr. David Paper
The 48-page minimum group paper.If we submit a 48-page paper, we'd get at most a D. Amazing. He expects to give him a 90-page paper. And how is that possible? I dunno.

The next 2 weeks will be ultra-mega-super stressful. God, help us.

Friday, January 22, 2010


This week has driven me to the extremes. Every single day of the week has given me reason to be super stressed out. And yet, all the hard work of the past weeks, have been paying off.

I feel like I'm doing well in acads. I got an A in my first Chinese film paper. I'm happy because my professor, Alejandrino, is kind of bitchy and has high standards. I got a 38 of 45 in my Praxis LT. I'm happy because I did good and better than i expected. I've been blessed enough that Fr. David has never picked on me throughout the semester.

And yet, for some reason, org life has been failing me. Monday, i found out that our org events needs to be moved to a later date. Tuesday, i desperately seek for more participants for another event. Wednesday, another org is claiming the venue of our event on Saturday. Super stress. Thursday, i thought we'd get a violation for posting an ad on the newspaper without prior approval of OSA. On top of these, i had to endure 8 individual consultations with me; some of which were really terrible.

I handled everything pretty well but one. I cannot disclose what happened but i was just irritated, irked, but mostly disappointed with how irresponsible some people can be. It's really, really, really irritating. I don't care if you have shit happening with you. I don't care if you have other responsibilities. You chose to take on all of these responsibilities. The least you could have done is to pretend to care. BV

Anyhoo, the coming week would be extremely busy. Thesis 1st draft is due on Thursday. Fr. David gave another set of readings for Tuesday worth 150php. Imagine how thick. He's also asking us to watch a movie. And, shit, it's SOSS week next week. Mega-busy.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I've been cramming a lot of things lately. There's just so much to do so little time. NOT. It's just that the temptations are really strong: SLEEP, TV, net, practically anything BUT study. HAHA

Right now, I'm cramming my Chinese film paper. I'm doing it 3 hours before submission! Well, i have a reason. I read articles for Theo last night. And slept a lot.

Next week's going to be hell, 1st draft of thesis is due but we haven't started with our regression. I hope everything turns out well. Pray for me. haha

Monday, January 18, 2010


The past 2 weeks have be fantastic. It feels like everything's back to normal. I'm back on the game, I feel it. HAHA

Yes, academics has been crazy, as expected. Thesis, Praxis, Theo orals, Chinese Film papers, Philo readingssssssssssss. But I handled everything relatively well coz I didn't cram. I studied over the Christmas break so they didn't pile up much.

Yes, org work has been crazy too. YES report. YES report. YES report. HAHAHA BV. Add to that the stress of Kamalaean that will be postponed thanks to such an efficient project head. Plus, Ateneo YES' lack of attendees. Deadz. But, we're still trying to fix things and everything, i hope, will turn out fine.

Yes, people are still dramatic. 'Nuff said.

BUT, I am happy no matter what. I'm just glad that everything seems normal (and fun and happy.)

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Ummm. What is super not productive?

I woke up last Saturday at around 10am and did nothing productive. I just watched some movies and had a family thing later that night. I was forced to go to the family thing coz my parents told me that I don't see my cousin anymore. So, i went. Of my 24 cousins in that side of the family, only 6 came. Weeeeeee. By 11pm I was already super sleepy so we decided to go home.

Sunday was JPES sportsfest day. It was okay. I really am not into sports so I didn't really enjoy it. HAHAHA It was nice seeing other Eco majors from other schools though. I know a lot of Eco majors pala. haha We lost in most games. But, i think, we won 2nd place in futsal. I wasn't able to watch the game coz I went home early. I slept first then read theo. I'm trying my best to do well in acads this sem! hahaha

Boring weekend.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Busy Bee

This week has been so tiring. I really didn't want to go to school today but I still have a lot to do so I had to. At the start of the week, everything was pleasant, even though I knew it would be difficult. I prepared myself for this week during the break.

As the days progressed, it became more and more stressful. Orals, papers,and TONS of readings. (Fr. David is crazy. Too much readings!!!!)

Anyhoo, I survived. I don't think any of what I did this week was bad. I finally had an "okay" orals. YAY! haha.

The weeks to come will still be crazy, though.

6 more weeks! Freedom.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


2009 was a serious pain in the ass. Yes, there were good days or weeks but, overall, it was gloomy and a really hot mess. I am just really hopeful that for whatever pain 2009 brought would be substituted in 2010 by sheer happiness.

I had a hiatus from blogging because things were just too sad and painful to write about. I wanted to avoid rekindling the experiences. Now, I guess, I am honestly better; not necessarily okay but definitely better. I don’t know how I pulled through but I guess I just held on to the hope that the next day promises to be better. Eventually, things did get better.

Amidst all the difficulties I faced in 2009, I will come out with a better understanding of myself and those around me.

First, I am not as strong as I used to think I am. I used to think that I can always make things happen. I thought I could handle everything. I thought I could turn anything to favor me. I thought I could do anything I wanted to. I thought I could hold everything in. I thought I could get thru anything on my own. I thought I can manipulate anyone if I had to. These are mere misconceptions of myself. When everthing came crashing down, I realized that I didn’t know who was I. 2009 jeopardized my perspective of self. I thought I knew me. Apparently, there are certain people and events that will force you to bend principles and self-imposed boundaries.

I am weak and I need people to keep me afloat and sane.

Second, I use BVness as my defense mechanism. Most of the time, I make people believe that I am in a sour mood to shun them away. I didn’t want anyone to see that I am hurting. I wanted them to think that I was merely stressed. No, nothing about this year stressed the hell out of me. Being on top is an easy chore.
I guess the first realization came too late. I have already shunned people away when what I wanted them to do was to be around me.
I used introversion my whole life to cover my weaknesses. As a kid, I knew that I was opinionated, talkative, and witty but, I never showed that to anyone until I entered college. I was too afraid that putting the spotlight on me would be tantamount to asking for insults and criticism. None of my peers now would ever think that I am introverted, so I had to change my defense mechanism: BVness.

Third, I appreciate having a small circle of close friends than having huge and multiple circles needing your attention.

Fourth, I hate being introduced as the “org president”, can I not just be your “friend”? The title gives all sorts of impressions that are not necessarily true. To begin with, it gives the impression that we’re not close and that we’re merely together because of “org stuff.” Yes, we got to know each other because of the org but, I guess, somehow along the way the relationship turned from professional to personal. I can honestly say that I never made anyone in the org feel that I was president. I was more of a peer than president.

Fifth, the worst of things become good when you’re with good company.

Tinatamad na ako. HAHA

2010 will be exciting. That’s for sure. And I promise to blog more often. It’s a year of starting over. And I am looking forward to that.