Friday, July 31, 2009


I played paintball with some orgmates today and it was so fun. I really am not into physical stuff but I really enjoyed paintball. It was such a good break from all the stress of school. I want, again!

FUN. Fun. Fun. Really tired, though. I'll blog again later, hopefully.haha

Monday, July 27, 2009

Birthday Blues

My friend asked me to call her up. She was having a bad day and in need of a consoling.

After a few minutes, she calmed down and gave me a question.

"What do you wanna do before you turn 21?", she asked. (not verbatim)

"OKAY ka lang?! I'm turning 21 next week!"

I kinda did not understand her question. At first, I thought she was asking me my what my life goals are before I turn 21. But, eventually, it dawned on me that she might have been asking what I want for my 21st. I dunno. It's vague.

But, yeah, if you ask me what I want for my 21: to be surrounded by people I love and show them how much I love them. Also, let me be selfish, I wanna feel loved. I wanna know what love is. Cheesy! hahaha

Oh nooooooooooes. I really don't want to turn 21 just yet. I feel so old.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Solo= So Low

I'm tired of you taking me so low
so, I think, it's time that I go solo.

What's worse is that you don't know
that you're taking me so low.

But i really don't want you to go.
And I can't do it solo.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Now, My Mom Thinks I'm Suicidal

This is related to a previous post.

Last night, my mom was borrowing my pair of scissors. I didn't know where mine was so I told her to look for it in my room. And she did. Nope, she didn't find the scissors. She found a knife.

"Bakit ka may kutsilyo sa kwarto mo?!", she asked. She was frightened, I sensed.

Epal much. I've had that knife in my room since early June. I used to it to force open my drawer that failed me. I have the keys to the drawer but it won't open. The knife's been in my side drawer for weeks and it's only now that she saw it. Weird.

Early this morning, my mom brought breakfast to my room. I didn't eat it for the nth time.

"Why didn't you eat? May problema ka ba?", asked my dad.

The hell. Why are they all insisting that i have problems. God. For more than 8 years now, I do not eat breakfast. My stomach doesn't take it well. I can't believe my parents don't remember it. Bwisit.

Hot and Cold

I don't understand you. Where are we at?

Yesterday, we had so much fun.

Today, you didn't give a damn.

How about tomorrow?

Fart you.


Last Wedneday, I could not sleep. I was thinking about stuff. A lot of thoughts were running through my head; most of them sad ones. I tried really hard to but I couldn't. By 4am, my mom suddenly opened my door. I dunno why she did.

"Hindi ka pa natutulog?"

"Bakit naman ako hindi matutulog. Nagising lang ako.", I tried to deny.

A few minutes later, I fell asleep. I woke up 7am and my mom was asking me something. I didn't respond properly because, as usual, I was moody in the morning.

By 3pm, I got a message from my dad that my mom is so worried about me. She thinks I am having problems.

I wanted to leave class because I was getting depressed over the fact that my mom is worried about me. No, I stayed because I had a quiz.

Anyhoo, no, I don't have a concrete problem. Things around me are relatively normal. BUT, somehow, that night, I felt so out of place. I felt as though I didn't have a niche in the world. Never mind.

I want to tell somebody/ anybody about how I feel but I feel as though no one's here to listen. I tried but the listener ended up as the talker.

I need someone who will listen, without any prejudice.

I need someone who will listen. And a hug would not hurt.

There's so much I wanna share. I feel so bottled up.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Last night, my dad had a 9.15pm meeting in Makati so we decided to go with my dad to Makati to visit our niece. My dad decided to pass by Manila for some reason. Traffic in Manila was hell. There was an accident involving a bus and 4 cars. We were still in Manila by 9pm. My dad was bound to be late.

"Manila is crazy. Don't you want to live in the province?", asked my sister.

My dad has been advocating this the past 2-3 years already. He wants to buy a farm and produce everything necessary to live. He wants a peaceful, simple, stress-free life. On the other hand, my mom doesn't want the provincial life (and yet she is so sick of the city-life.)

Last night, I felt as though they were in agreement that they will move to the province once I graduate. Supposedly, they're just waiting for me to finish college. I am only one left studying college in my family. My sister is taking up law but is already self-sustaining. My other siblings are all working already.

My dad has been searching for a condo unit in Makati for me and my other sister. I don't get why we need a unit but, I guess, my dad's assuming that I'll work in Makati.

Here's the thing though: I am kinda dead-set already that I'll leave the country after college. Yes, I am still really unsure where and how but I know I'll find a way. (I don't think my parents remember but I asked their permission already!)

Though, there's one thing or person that can change all of my plans. All you have to do is ask.

(Ugh. This post is getting me depressed. haha)

Friday, July 17, 2009

It Feels Like A Saturday

Classes were suspended today due to the typhoon. This whole week went by so fast. I can't remember much about this week except for my Th151 quiz and Pos100 LT and the happiness of yesterday. The reason is to remain secret. HAHA

I was picked up 3pm. Passed by the mall because my sister was teasing my parents to treat us "lunch." And so we did. We arrived home around 5pm.

By 5.30pm, my mom knocked on my door. She's asking me to go with her to another mall. Fine. I did. I dunno why I did. I hate shopping.

Anyhoo, pointless entry. Shit. HAHAHA. It just feels like it's saturday already. Well, this week just went by so quickly. I didn't even notice that it's weekend already. And I have nothing to do for this weekend. Rest time. Weeeeeeeeee.

I Dunno What To Do

side A: Why are you always with Side -?
I rarely get to talk to you.

Side B: I'm getting jealous of Side -.

Side C: How come when you see me you don't seem happy?

Side D: How come when you see me it's different? It's as if you're not happy!

Side E: Ayan e. Inuuna si Side -. (This one's a joke! HAHA)

Saan ka pa? Can I just not take a side and just co-exist with all of you? I really don't want to take a side. Though, I know whose company I enjoy the most. And I bet you are thinking of the wrong side. BUT, don't overthink this. I just am so torn. I'll try my best to pull all of you together. I miss you already.

In demand amp. HAHAHA Hindi tayo mag-on ha. We're just friends! HAHA

Sunday, July 12, 2009


I've been sick for 4 days now. Ugh. It feels so bad. I've been moody and quiet. I want normalcy! I wanna be better by tomorrow so that I can be normal again. haha

Anyhoo, more than anything, I'm really bothered. No, not because of my sickness. I am scared that I am "losing" people around me. I no longer know what to do.

Some people think that I am replacing them in my life because I, not by choice, am spending less time with them. God knows how much I wanna spend time with you. If only you would tell me or invite me to where you are. I am willing to drop everything and be with you. Take this as a hint.

Last week has been odd and unfortunately really bad. The past month has been really, really, really good. Then, suddenly, last week passed and it changed a lot. For one, I've been so sick of going school because what has kept me looking forward to school for the past month is no longer as dependable. I am so vague. haha

I'd rather be swined than lose you. I just hope that this week will be better and that whatever has constantly happened the week before last week continues and even becomes better.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

D-Day: Depression Day

By last night, I knew today would potentially be a sad day. I couldn't study last night because my brain was floating away and I was already sleepy. I planned to wake up 4am to study for my 4 quizzes today. Unfortunately, I was only subconscious when I turned off the alarm and fell back to sleep.

Major fail. I have 4 quizzes and I am so unprepared. Luckily, the Theo quiz was canceled and the 2 Eco quizzes were good. Philo was sorta ok. I got a 7 of 10.

Anyhoo, I don't care about acads today. It's really my emotions that's driving me crazy today.

Something that usually happens didn't and it just strengthened my worries from yesterday. And when you expect things to happen and they don't, you start to worry. And that's what I did during my classes. I don't know if we're okay or not. Good thing acads kept me busy and I didn't linger with the idea much.

When classes ended, that's when the "emoness" really kicked in. By 4pm, we were dismissed early and I wen't straight to AEA. I dunno. I just really didn't feel my usual self again. I greeted people but wasn't as happy as usual.


"Bakit ang tahimik mo?"


"What's wrong?"

Those were the questions that they threw at me. I tried to pretend that I was okay but I couldn't. I ended up sitting in the corner pretending to read an Economics book.

Most of them left by 4.30pm and I was left with a Freshman. More came eventually. BVness and silence filled the room. Everyone was "depressed." Misery really does love company.

Again, I post the same question as yesterday..

Why don't you just fucking tell me how you feel? Or would it be too shameful to admit it?

No more secret. Just be honest. And that'd mean everything to me.

I feel like I'm losing you. I don't want it to happen.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


If the world would just be more honest, it would simpler.

If I were more honest, would I be happier?

I feel so odd today. It's like nothing about me was right. I just feel so odd. I wasn't in the mood to be "happy." Everything was set for disappointment.

I want the world to know how I feel. I want you to know how I feel. But if I did, would it even matter? Would it change anything? Would you reciprocate? I don't think so. Or maybe. I dunno. Are you giving me the green light? Orange? Or red? It changes too much. Or maybe I just over-interpret things.

Why don't you just fucking tell me how you feel? Or would it be too shameful to admit it? No more secret. Just be honest. And that'd mean everything to me.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I'm Hurting

(The title sounds so emo. HAHAHA This is hopefully not an emo post!)

Last Friday, I was out with some friends. We were supposed to watch Transformers but ended up eating- A LOT. Lunch was so heavy that by dinner time (9pm), I wasn't really too hungry. We weren't able to finish our dinner. Oooooooooh. The spaghetti at Shakey's had pubic hair! Oh God. Anyhoo, they were planning to had jog around campus the next day. I didn't want to join them because I don't like jogging. Then suddenly, plans to play volleyball surfaced. Game! Yay. I haven't played for like 8 months.

We jogged (more like walked for me HAHA), played volleyball and basketball for 4 hours. It was fun especially jogging around the oval while singing our hearts out to angst-filled songs! That's my fave part. hahaha.

I was so sleepy already by 6pm but ended up sleeping by 1.30am. I was so sleepy the whole time but was too busy with Facebook. And I just couldn't really sleep no matter how sleepy I was.

Worse. I woke up 6am today. Weird ass. I was still really sleepy. I tried to sleep again but would just wake up every hour. I gave up on sleeping by 9am.

My body hurts. My forearms from playing volleyball. My legs from running. My back from running, I guess. My heart from loving. Joke! HAHAHAHAHA I'm just not the active type.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


I feel so odd. I feel so out of place.

Amazingly, people have forgotten whatever has happened yesterday. Everything's normal again, i think. And yet, something feels so wrong. A couple of days/ weeks ago I was at the center of everything and now I feel so out of the circle. And, this has nothing to do with yesterday.

This is what I feared when I started "expanding" my circle. What if the small circles leave me out? I dunno. I remember clearly telling one of them at the beginning of the school year that I am not sure if I still I have a niche in their group. And, today, for some reason, I was with them but didn't feel wanted (lack of a better term; this sounds sooooooo conceited. haha) Worse, I didn't feel as though I belonged.

Another thing pissed me off again today. I asked an Execom member to prepare 20 copies of the member database because we would be creating teams today. It would be more efficient if each member of the Execom had a copy of the database. BUT no, by 4.30pm (call time is 4.30pm), she asked me how many copies I wanted and that she'd go down to the lib to print the database. Are you some kind of stupid? You're are so inefficient.

What I hate most is that her faults reflect on me. The Execom doesn't know that I asked her to prepare. I had a plan on how to do it efficiently so that we wouldn't waste time. BUT NO, you fucking failed me. And now people think I am the inefficient one. Sucks to be me and be around her.

And this just ruined my whole mood. I saw how uninterested and bored the people were as we were creating the teams. My mood was foul again and my eyes couldn't stop rolling. I HATE wasting people's time.

I am so restless for soooooooo many reasons. I need emo time. I need to let it all out. FART.

I guess this was bound to happen. I was too happy the past 3 weeks. Even my source of happiness is failing me. Or I have failed it.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Sour note to a good day. HAHAHA

Such a good, fun, and tiring day. Had class in the morning. Lunch with Freshies. AHS for the Org fair to help out the AHS Economics Club. Back at college to hang-out.

By 6pm, I was drained but I had "arranged" with a friend to have dinner with them. It was apparent that I was drained, I think. I wasn't as happy and I was already rambling about how tired I was. haha

I dunno. I just snapped because I was so frustrated with myself. My thoughts were certainly no longer normal. Why the heck would I ask the world if they're not tired of their secrets when I have so many fucking secrets myself?! MAYBE, i am tired of my own secrets. I certainly am not rationalizing myself. I am to blame. My bad. The gull. Ang kapal ng mukha ko. Stupid me.

I didn't want to show my "frustration" so I stormed out of the room. MY mistake: I announced to the world that I was getting pissed and I need a time off. God knows I controlled it well because until now I'm so freaking frustrated. HAHAHA

And the weird thing is I feel like apologizing but I know I don't need to and that it'd be more awkward if I do so. They're not pissed at me but they certainly are awkward around me. And for some reason, I still feel tomorrow will be a good day. So help me God.