I gotta warn you that this will be an extremely long post. HAHA
This is my first week as a student again. I'm taking an MA in Economics. I have only 3 classes for this semester: International Economics, Economics of Development, and Econometrics. I have no actual rant about my classes just yet. The professor gave a freecut in Int'l Economics. We only had intros in Dev't and Econometrics. Classes are a bit boring I'm trying my best to stay focused. And it's kind of working. Plus, the fact that I don't have much friends there is a good thing. I have no one to chat with! HAHA My classmates are a bit scary and intimidating. Ummmmm, most of 'em are old and snotty.
Anyway this post is really about change. It's amazing and really dishearting (for now, atleast) what a semester has done to change so much in so little time.
Yes, I admit that part of me expected things to be the same. I thought I was going back to my Ateneo. The Ateneo that I know was fun. I was always welcome. I was loved. I expected the same things from those that I am/was close to at least. I knew that other people would be colder towards me coz a few months have passed and I didn't really try my best to stay in contact.
What could possible change in so little time?? A lot, apparently.
First, I feel so unsure of myself. I keep on second-guessing myself. I just really, really, really, find my old classmates intimidating. I feel like a Freshman in a Senior's class! HAHAHAHA. I just have to fight them by being so fucking prepared for class. I've made 1 new friend in my classes the whole week. HAHAHA Pathetic, i know. Well, it seems like talking is not a very popular activity in evening classes. Everyone's so focused on the lesson. Hello. We've only had intros, remember? HAHA. I tried to be witty and funny (my usual undergrad self) when we were asked to introduce ourselves, I failed miserably. Nobody reacted. HAHAHA Kahiya! There are a couple of people in class though that I think I can be good friends with! Exciting opportunity.
Second, a lot of people hate me now. Fine, hate is such a strong word. HAHAHA Dislike? I just feel like they made their presence felt this week. These people are those whom I've had previous bad encounters. Nothing really new. It's just surprising how everybody seems to be on my case lately. People deleting me on Facebook and shit like that. Pathetic, i know, but, honestly, it is getting to me. I guess, when I was "on top", I wasn't really the nicest of people. HAHAHA And I was actually planning on being nicer to everyone this semester. Well, I guess they don't want my friendship.
Actually, I think, when I was gone last semester, people started talking behind my back and exposed the things I said and did when I was still an undgrad. HAHAHA I know. My bad.
Also, I have this clique in AEA. People perceive this clique to be the "council of past/current/next presidents" of sorts. It's a very gregarious and opinionated group. Recently, everyone has just been making us feel how poorly they perceive us. I know we have this tendency to be frank and almost brutal people. I recognize that fact. But I just really find it extremely unfair that people just look at us in such a bad light. We have our own lives. Yes, we do talk about people, but for the most part we talk about things more relevant to us than your lives.
Third, apparently, AEA's still dying, at a faster right this time. Nobody goes to the room anymore. The projects are better handled, definitely. However, people just don't bother to help out anymore. Nobody cares. The block cliques are back. People are so uninspired. People think that it has become work. I can't elaborate. My point is that people are leaving AEA to die. Morale is so low. Apathy and pessimism is high.
Fourth, I'm giving myself 4 more weeks to win the Economics freshmen over. I dunno if I can do it. As i said, i just feel so unsure of myself. Why me? I think I'm capable and I'm one of the few who care enough to help AEA. The Freshmen are the hope of AEA. If I succeed, we might get back all the people we lost. HAHA I'll go to school on Monday just to attend an AEA event. I just hope Freshmen go! If not, I'd waste my day.
Fifth, I miss my blockmates. Ateneo's not just the same without them. I feel like i'm sticking out like a sore thumb. Everyone around me is "nice, safe, and sweet." That's not me. That's not my block. My block is honest, fierce, and fun. HAHAHA I am truly a member of my block. However, I am no longer with them. I need to, I guess, lessen my opinions so I can fit in better in their pseudo-real world.
Sixth, my friends are weird. I almost feel unwelcome. I feel such an outsider lately. I tried talking to one of them about it. For some reason, the conversation grew more and more awkward. It grew into a conversation about AEA shiz and how it is affecting me the dynamics of our friendship. I'm not from any of the batches left in the Ateneo. I'm an outsider looking in. I always have to be the one giving the extra effort to be part of something. For some reason, me reaching out feels unappreciated. I made it apparent to my friend that I can tolerate AEA's state. ( I never really did well with it anyway! HAHAHA). I was just simply scared of losing my friends, especially those who are dear to me.
And this was the reply I got:
"The best thing to do is to accept that things have changed. Once you've accepted it, everything will be easier."
ARE YOU SERIOUS? I just wanted to be assured that amidst all the shit happening in AEA/Ateneo that I can count on you to be my blanket of normalcy!!
Sucks that I have to end this week on such a bad note. And it also sucks that emotional stress weighs more than academic stress.