Reminiscing

Over the weekend, my family had various gatherings to get together and catch up on things. 3 celebrations happened. For some reason, everyone was excited to just hang-out and dine together.

Anyhoo, over dinner, my mom insisted that I prepare my application for the UPLAE or UP Law School Entrance Test whatever. All of the whole family heard it. I politely said that I'd rather defer going to Law School and I'd work abroad first. My mom was disheartened, I know.

I don't want to go to law school right now. I feel so pressured to do well coz my sister is there and she topped the entrance test. What a shame if I fail to get in! Also, I want a breather. I wanna grow up first. I need some time alone to better myself.

I'm working abroad. That's my decision. I don't care where. I don't care if I end up jobless and poor, I just want to live my own life. If I fuck it up, I know my family would still be waiting here. Furthermore, I don't want to keep on remembering college. I'd miss it a lot. I'd miss all the people. And I don't want to feel that "I
'm so near yet so far" so I'd rather be far, literally.

And this is what has been bothering me since Saturday.

On our way home, I started reminiscing all the memories. I'd really miss the Eco majors, especially the Sophomores and the Freshmen who we'll leave behind. They really mean a lot to me. Just like in the movies, I started recalling a moment shared with each of them. From the simplest of jokes to the most complicated problems that we overcame.For some reason, I know that I'd still see my blockmates no matter what so I'm not missing them! haha

Results Week

I'm so anxious to get the results of what I've done the past 2 weeks. LT in PolSci, Midterms in Histo, Philo, and Theo. I didn't do well in any of these. Sigh.

PolSci
I didn't do as well as the 1st one. I immediately texted my blockmate who'll take the test after that "test was hell. :|" I had difficulty answering the objective part of test. Fortunately, she is very generous with grading the essays.

Histo
Argh. Histo used to be my forte. I hate it now. I studied really well for this one but it just wasn't enough.

Philo
Homaygad. I studied for this one too. I just couldn't understand the reading well so I had difficulty answering one of the questions. Unfortunately, there were only two questions. Boooooo me.

Theo
This is it. This one's the real bad one. I had bad orals. Super duper bad. I wasn't able to study for all the 20 thesis statements. It was just too much to handle. My gameplan was that I'd prepare for one thesis statement for every "cluster." The prof said he'd cluster (1-5, 6-10, 11-15, 16-20) the thesis statements then we'd get to choose one. He gave me: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10. Fail plan.

I had a really bad time thinking about my answer. I tried to give answers. I tried hard. I thought I was able to give enough bull. BUT no, after the oral test, the prof said, "Hindi ka nag-aral noh? Buti nalang may kalahating sem pa."

OUCH. I'm gonna fail.

***
I give up. I just wanna get through this semester. It's not like I'm trying to achieve a certain grade to get grad honors. I just have to survive.

Better

Yep, I overcame all the chaos in my head the past week. I'm feeling better now. I think, I've finally accepted my fate. I just have to keep on reassuring myself that things will get better.

The past days have been not okay. I was moody and quiet. I wasn't feeling "human interaction." I told the people that but they just laughed at me. They thought it was a joke.

I needed support. I needed someone to listen to me but no one was there. And those around me just doesn't seem to get that I was not okay and that I needed them. Some of them knew that I wasn't usual but just didn't know how to approach me.

Anyhoo, I'm better now. I jsut woke up yesterday feeling better. Though, my right foot hurts for some reason. Odd. It still hurts now. I hope it gets better soon.

As I said to a friend, "You need to keep on keepin' on and things will get better." Yep, I also need to do that.

A motto summarizes my current state: Asa but SANA!

Theo Weekend

I don't know where to get started with studying Theo. There's just so much to read.I need to prepare for 20 thesis statements. I have yet to read a single article. This weekend will be like torture. I'm just hoping that my professor would be nice enough when I "fail" the orals.

God, help me understand you and your Church.

I Tried

Waddup with you?

I know I haven't been the nicest to you lately. I know I have tried my best to not notice you. I tried to make you feel unimportant. I tried to make you feel that I don't wanna be you.

But, you know the truth, I wanna be with you.

All you have to do is to talk to me. Reassure me that I am still relevant.

I'm getting tired of this.

Study Time

Next week is gonna be my heaviest week this sem to date. I'll have Histo LT and paper, Philo midterms, PolSci LT. I was supposed to have my Theo orals too but thanks to PAASCU it was moved to the week after. Thanks PAASCU!

It doesn't really look much but I have dodged all the readings so I have to read everything now. I am worried about my Philo with all the classes that I cut and the readings I failed to read. Weeeee. Oh noes.

To add to that,I may still not be in the right frame of mind to study. I would want to ask my brain to stop thinking but that would mean that I wouldn't be able to study too. haha

But before the study time, I'll enjoy myself first. I'll watch a movie and have some drinks with some blockmates before I drown my sorrow in books.

Reality Check

A couple of weeks ago I got my write-up for Aegis. A close friend made it. A part of the write-up said that I am the perfect person to talk to when one has a problem because I would give anyone a logical and reasonable answer. In short, it said, I give people a reality check no matter how painful it may be.

I'm feeling better than I expected. I thought today would be the worst day of this episode. I am doing relatively fine, surprisingly. I think I've accepted my fate and the mess of my circumstance.

However, I can't seem to give myself a reality check. I have been so caught up with all the emotions that I don't know how to live life for me. I can't seem to find anything in me than can actually make me happy.

Maybe, my friend is correct to say that I am not in love; I am obsessed.

Yes, I need a reality check that I can't seem to do by myself. I'm trying to find answers in other people but the petulance in me is overriding any sense of logic.

Late Bday Post

*I'll try to relive the feeling coz this post is two days late. haha

My day started with my mom knocking on my door. "Manganganak na ako!", she screams while opening my door. I gave the the WTF look. hahaha. Then, I realized she was reliving the moment of my birthday. Funny as hell.

Checked my phone for greeting. Damn. A lot of people greeted me in the wee hours of the morning. Do people still get enough sleep?

Anyhoo, went to school and didn't cut a single class. Weeeee.

Got some gifts from people. I love it. It feels so good that people really bother to think what you really want. I hate doing that because it is so difficult to do so. Thanks much.

After class, I went straight to the AEA room. It was so apparent that they were preparing a "surprise" for me. When I got there, people left to buy "something." And there were people doing some artsy-fartsy stuff. Noooo, people in AEA aren't like that. People in AEA are bums to death. HAHA I just pretended that I didn't know something was happening. Thanks for the surprise cake, balloons, and card, AEA!

I went home after that. We celebrated with a family dinner. Pretty simple. I was sad though that we weren't complete because my sister was still at work.

Next day is Block F Love Day.

We had ate dinner first. Fun as hell with all the hirits and weird stuff happening in my block. hahaha. Then, we played bowling. I suck at it. Then, G.I. Joe time. Love love love.

Happiness. I wish it was my birthday everyday.

Sad

I've been sad the past 22 hours and I think I'll be sad for the next few days.

I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

'Nuff said.

Last 20-yo Me Post

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm really excited for some reason. I just wanna show everyone how much I love them. I just wanna spend time with people I love. I just wanna love some more. haha

I thought that I'd be "sad" today because it's my last day as a 20 year old. It feels weird that I'm so old already.

The past year has been crazy for me. I hope for a better and a more fun year ahead. Thank God that I survived my 20th year. So much has happened. My 20th almost drove me nuts. hahaha

So excited for tomorrow!! Ugh. I have a full sched though.

I love y'all.