2009 was a serious pain in the ass. Yes, there were good days or weeks but, overall, it was gloomy and a really hot mess. I am just really hopeful that for whatever pain 2009 brought would be substituted in 2010 by sheer happiness.
I had a hiatus from blogging because things were just too sad and painful to write about. I wanted to avoid rekindling the experiences. Now, I guess, I am honestly better; not necessarily okay but definitely better. I don’t know how I pulled through but I guess I just held on to the hope that the next day promises to be better. Eventually, things did get better.
Amidst all the difficulties I faced in 2009, I will come out with a better understanding of myself and those around me.
First, I am not as strong as I used to think I am. I used to think that I can always make things happen. I thought I could handle everything. I thought I could turn anything to favor me. I thought I could do anything I wanted to. I thought I could hold everything in. I thought I could get thru anything on my own. I thought I can manipulate anyone if I had to. These are mere misconceptions of myself. When everthing came crashing down, I realized that I didn’t know who was I. 2009 jeopardized my perspective of self. I thought I knew me. Apparently, there are certain people and events that will force you to bend principles and self-imposed boundaries.
I am weak and I need people to keep me afloat and sane.
Second, I use BVness as my defense mechanism. Most of the time, I make people believe that I am in a sour mood to shun them away. I didn’t want anyone to see that I am hurting. I wanted them to think that I was merely stressed. No, nothing about this year stressed the hell out of me. Being on top is an easy chore.
I guess the first realization came too late. I have already shunned people away when what I wanted them to do was to be around me.
I used introversion my whole life to cover my weaknesses. As a kid, I knew that I was opinionated, talkative, and witty but, I never showed that to anyone until I entered college. I was too afraid that putting the spotlight on me would be tantamount to asking for insults and criticism. None of my peers now would ever think that I am introverted, so I had to change my defense mechanism: BVness.
Third, I appreciate having a small circle of close friends than having huge and multiple circles needing your attention.
Fourth, I hate being introduced as the “org president”, can I not just be your “friend”? The title gives all sorts of impressions that are not necessarily true. To begin with, it gives the impression that we’re not close and that we’re merely together because of “org stuff.” Yes, we got to know each other because of the org but, I guess, somehow along the way the relationship turned from professional to personal. I can honestly say that I never made anyone in the org feel that I was president. I was more of a peer than president.
Fifth, the worst of things become good when you’re with good company.
Tinatamad na ako. HAHA
2010 will be exciting. That’s for sure. And I promise to blog more often. It’s a year of starting over. And I am looking forward to that.