Opportunity Lost?

I should have decided earlier that I wanted this! They stopped accepting applicants last week supposedly. But they said that I can ask the boss to accept my application since the interviews begin this week. However, I find that super unprofessional. I dunno but I might actually try it tomorrow.

Teaching

I talked to a blockmate last Monday about me wanting to teach at the Ateneo. Not Economics certainly! I want to teach Filipino in the HS. If that fails, I'm willing to teach TD (HS "Economics"). It has been bothering me the whole week.

I know you're thinking "huh? him teaching?" HAHAHA. Yes, I've blogged about this before already. And I know I am not that smart. But it's just HS. hahaha. And, i think, I've made such a good name in the HS that credentials wouldn't even matter. Seriously. (Conceited-much?! HAHA).

I want to teach. I want to be in front of the class blabbering about life. I want to inspire. I feel like its my passion. I want to help. However, the the fear of such naughty and sometimes rude Ateneans scares me. I know some Ateneans are rude and disrespectul. And I'm scared that what if things just don't work out. What if I just don't like the my classes? HAHA

Then on Wednesday, Fr. RB's posted this status: "Teacher Openings at the Ateneo High School: P.E. (Foundations: Health and Fitness), Physics, English and Filipino. Call 4265914 or email< hsmail@ateneo.edu> for details."

It got me more interested to know that there are actual vacant slots to be filled. I actually emailed that address to ask what the requirements are. HAHA However, the email address does not work. It's God's sign. Joke! haha

Then on Thursday, news about a HS friend become a teacher in the HS came out. People were talking about it. I got jealous, actually. hahaha. But no, I don't think I wanna teach just now. Maybe in the future.

Today, I was thinking about it again. And I think I just found my solution to this dilemma. hihihi. It got me excited. So excited that I actually texted and emailed people if what i'm thinking about is still viable. I'll keep this "solution" a secret first. I don't wanna jinx it! HAHA

This "solution" actually has been an opportunity for months now. I didn't want to take it for some reason before. But now, I think this is it. If it's still available, I'm going to take it.

Swear. I think, right now, if things work out this will the best case scenario. However, this does not invovle Makati. Sadness. My independence might be at risk with this "solution" but I think this will keep me happy. And, I dunno, I actually imagine myself actually being happy and contended with doing this "solution." I think doing corporate shit would just make me really competitive and moody. And unhappy and tired at the and of the day.

God, I hope this is it!

Things I Do For Friends

I'm doing something I thought I'd never do my entire life. HAHA Though, I'm enjoying it but it beginning to be taxing. But, I'll stick to it. I'm doing this for a friend. HAHA. You have no idea what we're/I'm doing! Craaaaaazy! Revengeful much.

See? I willing to do anything for my friends. I love my friends. Just text or pm me and I'll be there. hihi

Color Quiz

I took this colorquiz.com test online. I was astonished by the results. HAHA This is probably unscientific but the results are accurate! If you've reading my recent posts, you'll see the similarities!

Your Existing Situation
Works well with others. Needs personal relationships which are understanding and relatively conflict-free.

Your Stress Sources
"Wants the freedom to follow his own heart, goals, and dreams and to earn the respect as a unique individual. Desires to pursue every possible opportunity without limitations or things standing in his way."

Your Restrained Characteristics
Current events leave him feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

"Although he is able to find contentment through sexual activity, he feels hopeless to change his problems and difficulties and continues to make the best of what he has."

Current events have him feeling forced to make bargains and put aside his own desires for now. He is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Very active imagination and may be prone to fantasies and daydreaming. Always dreaming of interesting and exciting things to happen to him. Is a charmer and wants to be admired for that.

Your Actual Problem
"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give him more freedom and less obstacles."

Your Actual Problem #2
"Feeling unimportant in this current situation, and is looking for different conditions where he will be able to better prove his worth and importance."

The actual problems and stress source are spot on. Hello, i wanna be independent drama. HAHA Hello, moving forward drama. HAHA

Never mind the sexual activity, though! NOT TRUE. hihi

Family of Quinn Fabray's and Noah Puckerman's

If you don't watch Glee, you wouldn't understand the title. HAHA. Anyhoo, Quinn is a character in Glee who was impregnated by Puck/ Noah out of wedlock.

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I saw my cousins today. I already have 2 nieces from that side of the family. And another one is on her way. And all 3 of them are products of premarital sex.

1st niece is probably around 15(?) already and the last time I saw her was like 7 years ago. I've only seen her twice. She lives in Pampanga. His father is my cousin, Cousin A. Family A is the holy/prayerful type. They're Christians and go to mass regularly. They give us one-on-one session if they found out something wrong that we did. They pray us over. They think they're perfect. (Obviously, I don't like them. They're so pretentious! HAHA)

I can't imagine how they reacted when they found out about my cousin's child! I was like 6 then. The rumors started spreading. Up to now, some of my cousins and uncles/aunts don't know of the child. The kid now lives with the mother. My cousin and the mother have been separated for 12 years now. So much for perfection?

2nd niece is the one who celebrated her 1st birthday a while ago. She's the daughter of NOT-so-known-celebrity. My cousin and NOT-so-known-celebrity have been living together for like 4 years already until the pregnancy.

Cousin B is also a product of wedlock, by the way. She lives with my aunt but is actually the daughter of my uncle, the brother of my mom and my aunt. Crazy, right? Cousin B has a sister who lives with another aunt. Crazy!

Oh, Cousin B ran away 6 years ago. We didn't have any form of communication until my aunt, the one who took care of her, got cancer. She's better now.

Anyhoo, we all expected Cousin B to have a baby soon enough. She lives with NOT-so-known-celebrity so they're obviously having sex. BUT, when we found out the pregnancy, everyone was okay EXCEPT family A. The perfect Christians. And they even questioned the Cousin B's decision to keep the pregnancy a secret coz of NOT-so-known-celebrity's career. Ummmmmm, hello, 1st niece is not known to some of my cousins and uncles/aunts! Pretentious!!!

Now, 3rd niece is on her way. She's the daughter of Cousin C. She is 7 months pregnant. She'll give birth by July. Her boyfriend knocked her up. Cousin C was there at the party. Everybody knows that she's pregnant but they tried to hide it. 5 months ago she was hospitalized for having "UTI." Yeah right. 3 months ago my dad spilled to news to all of us. My dad is such a gossip monger!

Again, Family A does not approve of the pregnancy. None of them were talking to Cousin C a while ago! HAHAHA

It's so interesting, right? HAHAHA It's so hard to explain! My point is, the number products of premarital sex is increasing! Safe sex!

Paparazzi

Today was my niece's 1st birthday. Her birthday is a BIG deal for us coz she's the 1st apo of my tito's and tita's that they actually see. I got another niece. She around 15(?) already and the last time I saw her was like 7 years ago. I've only seen her twice. Anyhoo, the part was at 4pm. Ended by 6.30pm.

We then proceeded to our Makati house to have dinner. More food, i know, a little weird. HAHA. I dunno but recently I've been enjoying my time with my cousins. I ain't perfectly close to them back then. However, recently, I think, things are changing.

Dinner ended by 11pm. My family decided to bring my cousin and her child (my niece) to their home. By 12mn, we were already at the Fort on our way home. We got a call.

"There are two people outside my door. OMG! OMG!" Call ends.

We were panicking like shit when my mom got that call. We tried calling her up again. She wasn't picking up. We decide to go back to Makati to check up on her.

There was two people who knocked on her door. "Are you *state the name of my cousin*?", they asked her.

"Yes", she replied.

"We're from ABS-CBN. We just want a short interview with you. That's the daughter of *state name of NOT-so-famous-celebrity*, right?!", they asked her. They had a camera on and taking a video of her.

"I don't know him!", my cousin replied and shuts her door.


She peeped thru the door hole. They were still there. They were taking a video of her door. She looked through the window. There were two more people taking picture of her unit. After a few minutes, they left.

Eventually, we found out that those people asked around. They asked my cousin's neighbors and the guard if NOT-so-known-celebrity passes by. WHO CARES? And, obviously, a neighbor spilled the "news" to the media. They actually waited for my cousin to be at home. Remember, she was out the whole day preparing for my niece's birthday party. Thank God those paparazzi didn't go to the party. NOT-so-known-celebrity's mom was there.

Okay. That was seriously creepy. Yes, my niece is the daughter of that NOT-so-known-celebrity! He is not known! We rarely see him on TV. He's no Piolo. He visits my niece once a month. I am not even sure if my cousin and him are still together. He didn't even bother giving his last name to his daughter to protect "his career." What career? HAHA.

I never thought my family would ever encounter paparazzi. I mean, seriously, when my cousin got knocked-up, they made her leave the condo unit that she and NOT-so-known-celebrity. They were together for years. When he was absolutely unknown, she was there already.

It's really irritating. Who cares if NOT-so-known-celebrity has a child already?! Nobody cares!

Hello

Glee's back from a midseason hiatus. I've anticipated this since December. Though, it was underwhelming, it hit me. I felt like the episode was talking about me. The episode is about moving forward and letting go of your baggages. And, hopefully, in the process, you find yourself.

1. Rachel to Finn who just broke up with her:
"I’ll tell you who you are. You’re a scared little boy. You’re afraid... coz you think it might hurt your reputation. I just see you for who you are. Unlike you who can only see me as this silly.. And that is where you lose coz if you take a second to look at me, you’d realize that I’m the only person in your life who knows you and accepts you for who you are. No matter what."
* For YOU. Yes, you. Well, not really you. The other you. You. HAHAHA. Moving on...

2. New coach to Mr. Schue:
" You need to take some time to reintroduce yourself to yourself. It seems to me you need to take a little breather."
* I do. My life's feeling a little cluttered and chaotic. I'm finding it hard to breathe or a reason to do so. Joke! haha

3. Kurt to Rachel, the star of Glee:
"Everyone’s replacable. Even you."
*/wrist. HAHA. Yup. That's the fact. That's the fact. Heck, i'm seeing/saw it unfold right in front of me. And I've done this, unfortunately, to others.

4. Emma, breaking up with Mr Schue:
"I think that you need to spend time alone. I do. I think you need to get know yourself… "
* Yeah, i know, okay? I'm trying to be independent of others. I'm trying to find me despite of/ without you.

5. Mr. Schue in reply to Emma:
"I guess I’m just not good at being alone. And realizing what my own needs are."
*Coz right now I only one need, YOU. I kid! I kid!

Seriously, this is not an emo post. HAHA. I'm just trying to poke fun at myself. And contrary to expected, I wasn't emo yesterday nor today. I was a bit bored but my movies helped me get through it.

Bye.

Affected

I thought the distance would make me care less. I thought I would start to forget. I thought I won't remember you anymore. I thought I'd notice you less. I thought I would no longer be affected.

But no, you still have me at the palm of your hands without you even knowing it. One word from you shatters my walls. One smile and my fences open. Here I am at your disposal.

Here I am waiting. Here I am affected by everything you do. Here I am, trying to break free, and failing miserably. Here I am waiting for you to say "hi" and everything would seem okay again for now. Here I am being pathetic. Here i am wondering about what you're doing. Here I am trying to stop thinking about you. Here I am going emo. Fuck the shit that you have so much control over me and you don't even know it.

Gaaaaaaah. I'm such a weakling! FUCK.

Give Me A Job

I had an interview today at 9am in Makati. I was still in QC by 8.20am. I was terribly late and haggard when I arrived at BPI.

My interview a while ago got me depressed. I dunno. I just feel like I didn't do well enough. I did okay. But somehow I feel like it just wasn't good enough. The questions put me off. I didn't expect such questions. HAHA And the interviewer was bitchy. My plan was to be all perky and friendly. But no, I tried and she didn't respond. Back to "I am a leader" mode. BV.

However, at the end of it, i saw "some" light. "You should try the MT Program. What do you think?", she asked. "Yes, that's actually one of my options." And she explained stuff. I dunno if that's a good sign. The Management Trainee position is better than my original intended position. I dunno! I'm just confused now. I just want a job. hahaha

I was so disheartened I went home immediately after. Lord, surprise me please.

Reflection

I went to San Mig a while ago for an examination. I ditched IBM coz I was too sleepy. After the exam, my dad fetched me. We're going to fetch my sister in UP. We arrived 5.15pm. She suddenly texts us that she'll be out by 6pm. Ugh.

I decided to go out of the car and walk around. There was a point in the day that I felt that God was playing tricks with me. I'd rather not discuss why. In honestly, up to now, I still feel so coz the coincidence(s) are too epic to be coincidences. Anyhoo, I found myself walking around the Sunken Garden. I decided to sit. It was so peaceful, surprisingly. I thought it would be noisy and chaotic coz of all of the jeepneys passing by.

I sat on a tree root and put out my iPod to listen to emo music. I was watching the people live their lives: couples snuggling, friends playing frisbee, families playing ball. It was really peaceful. I felt really at ease. The strong breeze helped me feel comfortable.

It was such a beautiful time to reflect. Where will life lead me? What will happen next? What now?

Suddenly, something dropped from the sky to my arm. I thought it was just a leave or tree bark. Nope, a bird decided to poop on me. Reflection fail. HAHA

Distraction

I need a distraction. My thoughts are bothering me again. I dunno. I just still feel disheartened. I'm craving. I'm missing. I'm wanting. Blah.

The coming week will be a good distraction, actually. I have interviews lined up. IBM and San Miguel on Monday and BPI on Tuesday. Yeah, i'll ditch Megaworld. And if things go right I'd have more interviews in the following days. I hope so. I want a job already. My trick now is to be pa-humble and witty. I think I've been overconfident during my past interviews. HAHA

Also, it's my niece's on Saturday. I am not part of planning it but it's a really big deal for us. It's just her 1st. It's a good distraction. And usually when we have parties and stuff, all my tita's sleepover at our house. More distraction.

I'd just also probably go out with my block this week. I haven't seen some of them in 2 or 3 weeks. It's due that we see each other soon.

Plus, Glee's back. That provides a little glee. I'm excited for the new episodes!

Actually, I'm planning to move to Makati by Monday. By "move", I mean, live there. I dunno for how long. Depends on work. Not final yet if I'll push through with this but for sure my parents would be okay with it. One con that i'm looking at is that there's no net in that house and that i'd have to leech off net from Gloria Jean's. HAHA I'll just decide tomorrow.

Moving Forward

I treated a couple of friends to lunch today. It's sort of my post-grad treat coz they attended my grad. It's the "purest" happy I've been in a long while. Being with them was just such a joy. I don't know how to explain it well. I just felt really at ease, happy, and loved. There was no doubt in my mind that I belonged with them.

I spent roughly 10.5 hours today with them. It seems a lot but I just can't help but ask for more. I guess, as usual, I'm experiencing "the fall" right now. Every time I am happy for a certain period, my mood will crash and just want more. And the uncertainty of the next time we'll see each other is scary.

I guess the past days have proven to me why I'd actually miss the undergrads more than my blockmates. Certainly, I love my blockmates. However, it is easier to contact them and they are more accessible because we are all aiming for the same "market." We're all Makati-bound and it's really not difficult to see each other there. Just the other day I saw one of them with almost minimal effort. However, meeting the undergrads just entails a whole lot more planning (?). And i dunno why! HAHA

In all honesty, part of me hates the fact that I've still got my other foot firmly set on the Ateneo. I can't find the heart to leave it. And seeing them today just made me realize how much I'd fucking miss them. How can I move forward if I keep on going back?

It's ironic that I want to see them but, at the same, I don't want to see them so we can all move forward. However, the former, certainly, is more powerful right now.

I had a conversation with some blockmates 2 weeks ago over lunch about why I didn't visit school during my free 2 weeks before graduation. They expected that I'd be the one who'd go to school everyday even though I no longer had classes because I love the undergrads so much. They started questioning me why I was "avoiding" them.

No, I wasn't avoiding them. I just really needed to find the courage to let go. And that I should find peace with the reality that I will no longer see them constantly and that the dynamics of our relationship would just never be the same after this summer. It's scaring the shit out of me.

Wait, maybe I really have been avoiding them. The whole being invisible in ym and pretending to be not there. The pretentious coldness. The uninspired replies. The whole thing with avoiding going on FB. All that drama. Fuck. I just want to separate myself slowly. But no, just one text message from them, no matter how silly, melts my heart and brings me back to square one.

One of my blockmates defended my decision not to "frequently" see my undergrad friends in the Ateneo anymore. It's about letting go and moving forward. From now on, I do not have to be part of everything that's happening in your life. I need not know all that's happening. I am now an outsider. And that's the fact. I cannot expect you to tell me all the things that is happening in your life. And I certainly cannot do the same to you.

"Are you not scared that, in a few months, you won't know them anymore? And that all has changed and been lost?", another queried.

"No. I'm confident that nothing will change. That when we see each other again someday, we'd just be happy and pick up from we left off." I answered "confidently." But that's was lie. I'm so scared that I'd be replaced. I'm scared that in a few months I'd be a complete outsider. But I guess it's a reality that we all have to face soon.

Faith. That's the only thing I can hold on to. The future isn't sure. We do not know what's ahead of us. And though I still want to be part of your future, I do not know if it's plausible. I just have to believe that we can take off from where we left off when we see each other again. And that's the best case scenario, i guess.

God! I hope you're all reading this so you can understand what's going on in my crazy mind.

Job Interviews

I got 3 calls today from 3 companies: Megaworld, IBM, and San Miguel. Happiness.

Busy week next week. haha. Monday will be IBM Test in the morning and San Miguel in the afteroon. Tuesday will be BPI interview in the morning and then Megaworld in the afternoon. Megaworld already "rejected" me for one position so I really don't know if I'll even bother going there.

I hope to get a job before the month ends!

No Signal

My phone has not had signal since Wednesday. I didn't really care to bother since it was Holy Week and people rarely text during that season. I was planning to get the SIM card replaced by Monday, today.

Last night, I was checking the web if Globe actually replaces SIM cards. A read in a forum that they rarely do and that it depends on the stock of the cards. I was already planning how I'd attack their office today if they wouldn't replace my card. I wanted to be sure to retain my number because: (a) That number is the one I used for all the CV i sent out to companies and (b) huzzle to contact people.

My plan was "brillant": (a) All english, (b) Look pissed, (c) "How come you do replace SIM cards for postpaid users and not for prepaid?! This is discrimination!", (d) "I'm willing to pay thousands of pesos just to retain my number!", (e) "Call the manager!"

However, only plan A was needed. They had stocks for my kind of card and they replaced it immediately. HAHA Thank God!

Anyhoo, today's such a nice day. I got a text that really made me happy. Super. HAHA And, I got a call from HP. Interview, baby. Yay!

BPI on Wednesday! I shall make a career out of doing interviews. Wish me luck! I bet this week will be awesome!

Uncertainty

The uncertainty of my future is freaking me out. It is just scary. I don't know where I'm heading. I don't know where I'll work. I don't know what's going to happen to me. One thing's for sure: I'll end up with a job sooner or later. It all depends where.

I've been wanting to leave the country and get employment somewhere else. To grow and be independent, I say. Yes, i still want that. That still is what I desire. However, the chances of it happening now is bleak. I've been trying to contact employers abroad by myself. However, bleh. haha. I've studied all the processes and requirements, I need to find me an employer first before I apply for a work visa. No employer, no work visa. I can't just go there and start looking for a job. By there, I mean anywhere but here. HAHA

The likely thing to happen is that I get a work here. It's scary that I don't have an offer yet. I've gone to a few companies but no offers yet. Scary. And my mom's been bugging me to join a multinational. Asa much. I want to work already. Give me work! haha.

I'll focus on getting a job this coming week. I don't like being a bum. I don't like not doing anything. As they say, the idle mind is the devil's workshop. And, oh boy, the devil is stimulating emoness. HAHAHA

If I don't get a job by April, I'll kill myself. I kid. haha