Friday, April 9, 2010

Moving Forward

I treated a couple of friends to lunch today. It's sort of my post-grad treat coz they attended my grad. It's the "purest" happy I've been in a long while. Being with them was just such a joy. I don't know how to explain it well. I just felt really at ease, happy, and loved. There was no doubt in my mind that I belonged with them.

I spent roughly 10.5 hours today with them. It seems a lot but I just can't help but ask for more. I guess, as usual, I'm experiencing "the fall" right now. Every time I am happy for a certain period, my mood will crash and just want more. And the uncertainty of the next time we'll see each other is scary.

I guess the past days have proven to me why I'd actually miss the undergrads more than my blockmates. Certainly, I love my blockmates. However, it is easier to contact them and they are more accessible because we are all aiming for the same "market." We're all Makati-bound and it's really not difficult to see each other there. Just the other day I saw one of them with almost minimal effort. However, meeting the undergrads just entails a whole lot more planning (?). And i dunno why! HAHA

In all honesty, part of me hates the fact that I've still got my other foot firmly set on the Ateneo. I can't find the heart to leave it. And seeing them today just made me realize how much I'd fucking miss them. How can I move forward if I keep on going back?

It's ironic that I want to see them but, at the same, I don't want to see them so we can all move forward. However, the former, certainly, is more powerful right now.

I had a conversation with some blockmates 2 weeks ago over lunch about why I didn't visit school during my free 2 weeks before graduation. They expected that I'd be the one who'd go to school everyday even though I no longer had classes because I love the undergrads so much. They started questioning me why I was "avoiding" them.

No, I wasn't avoiding them. I just really needed to find the courage to let go. And that I should find peace with the reality that I will no longer see them constantly and that the dynamics of our relationship would just never be the same after this summer. It's scaring the shit out of me.

Wait, maybe I really have been avoiding them. The whole being invisible in ym and pretending to be not there. The pretentious coldness. The uninspired replies. The whole thing with avoiding going on FB. All that drama. Fuck. I just want to separate myself slowly. But no, just one text message from them, no matter how silly, melts my heart and brings me back to square one.

One of my blockmates defended my decision not to "frequently" see my undergrad friends in the Ateneo anymore. It's about letting go and moving forward. From now on, I do not have to be part of everything that's happening in your life. I need not know all that's happening. I am now an outsider. And that's the fact. I cannot expect you to tell me all the things that is happening in your life. And I certainly cannot do the same to you.

"Are you not scared that, in a few months, you won't know them anymore? And that all has changed and been lost?", another queried.

"No. I'm confident that nothing will change. That when we see each other again someday, we'd just be happy and pick up from we left off." I answered "confidently." But that's was lie. I'm so scared that I'd be replaced. I'm scared that in a few months I'd be a complete outsider. But I guess it's a reality that we all have to face soon.

Faith. That's the only thing I can hold on to. The future isn't sure. We do not know what's ahead of us. And though I still want to be part of your future, I do not know if it's plausible. I just have to believe that we can take off from where we left off when we see each other again. And that's the best case scenario, i guess.

God! I hope you're all reading this so you can understand what's going on in my crazy mind.

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